There's no tomb or raiding, but Jayne is bitter about something else

A couple years ago when I was in London, I went to the large comic shop in Leicester square. There I picked up the Young Avengers/Runaways Civil War crossover (the word "awful" comes to mind), and a grab bag of titles. The store had a sale where you got a packet of five titles for a pound. The catch being, of course, you could only see the top comic and you could not open the bag to rifle through, meaning you got some truly horrible stuff pawned off on you.

I picked the packet that had the newest Robin on top, thinking, if nothing else, a pound for the new Robin issue was worth it. My packet also included the latest Superman (I never really cared enough about Superman to pick up the title), a Superman issue from the 90s (notable because despite being called Superman and having him on the cover, he only shows up twice in the issue and absolutely no one opens their goddamn eyes), He Man and the Masters of the Universe (did anyone know this was an actual comic?) and Lara Croft Tomb Raider. If you can't see where this list is going then you obviously have not been reading my bitter, bitter posts.

That's right, dear readers, in the coming months you can expect to see me making fun of these comics, because, as has already been established, there is little that I love more than mocking the hell out of things. Today we shall begin with Tomb Raider, because as a comic it's really rather pointless, and because this just happened to be the one I grabbed while I was running out the door this morning.

Before we get started, I feel the need to actually ramble about the Tomb Raider franchise for a bit. It was widely popular in the 90s, culminating in two movies starring Angelina Jolie. The movies weren't particularly awful, but were so bland that I honestly can't remember much about them other than the fact they co-starred Angelina Jolie's breasts.

The games, at the time, I suppose, were innovative in that they starred a female character (and, yes, before you comment, I am aware of Metroid and how kickass she is, but games starring female characters are really rare). I've only really played the one for PS2 Tomb Raider: Legend, and while it's an enjoyable game with an okay storyline, there's nothing truly outstanding or innovative about it. That's true for pretty much all the games: fun play, pretty good graphics, nothing really spectacular. But I am, of course, leaving out one very important ingredient for Tomb Raider: the goddamn super pandering.

Lara Croft was designed to be the female version of Indian Jones, and that is pretty obvious: she's an "archaeologist," she runs around shooting bad guys, although she does lack the whip, has ridiculous adventures that have only a small grounding in reality, delivers wise cracks in the face of her enemies, suffers no qualms about the body count she leaves behind, and is just a small step away from facing aliens to complete the ridiculous circle.

Much like Indiana Jones was created to be a manly man with manly adventures to pander to the male audience, Lara Jones was given gigantic breasts and as few clothing as possible without crossing over to full frontal territory. And that has always been the focus of the games: the sexy, sexy danger of Lara Croft and not the character itself.

Now I know what you're going to say, hypothetical reader somewhere out there on the internets: But, Jayne, in recent games Lara Croft has been given a personality and a back story and motivations of her own.

Well, hypothetical reader, you are correct. Lara Croft has been allowed to develop more in the personality department, but it's the rather generic "Indiana Jones" model many video game protagonists suffer from. By that I mean they are rugged, or sexy sexy danger if the character is female, adventurous, a sarcastic smart assed know it all, who, for some reason, inspire love and loyalty in everyone they meet. In short, Lara Croft is rather cliche and still not wearing enough goddamn clothes for the absolute ridiculous things she does.

While I do appreciate that Lara Croft is one of the few female characters that has their own franchise I really wish it wasn't because of her giant breasts. The thing is, if you take away the breasts and the skimpy outfits and the sexy danger, are you left with a character that is compelling and well rounded? The answer, at least for me, is no.

I will admit that I am worried about being a hypocrite in this, because I am criticizing Lara Croft while I hold an undying love for Indiana Jones, and thus have internalized some of the sexism I'm railing against. That may very well be true, because that is the culture that I've grown up in, but I'm a little more optimistic because I criticized the new Prince of Persia for the Indiana Jones bullshit too, and I kept throwing him off cliffs in the hopes that Elika would tire of his whiny ass and let him die. Perhaps I just hate everyone, regardless of gender, who poorly and ineffectually tries to mimic Indiana Jones.

Backtracking a little bit now, I mentioned before that Croft, much like Indiana Jones, is an "archaeologist," who runs to these exotic locations and then completely fails to care about the history of the place, the culture, the people who make it their home and have a right claim to these artifacts, and, in fact, anything that makes you an actual archaeologist and scientist. She shows up, destroy some walls, shoots at people, and takes away artifacts because, hey, finders keepers.

I'm going to go off on a tangent (or, okay, more of a tangent) and point out something I'm not sure the designers were aware of when they made Lara Croft British: the pall of imperialism that hangs over the game and everything Croft does.

The games are set during the present time, unlike Indiana Jones which took place during the 40s and into the 50s, and so Croft cannot be given the same leeway Indiana Jones did, at least when it comes to how archaeology, or in this case, "archaeology" is portrayed. Both Lara Croft and Indiana Jones show up on these sites, take what they want and leave, much like during the hey day of the British Empire. Hey, those people aren't white! Who cares if it's their history and culture we're desecrating and stealing? This shit is cool and it shall be ours!

At least Indiana Jones was affiliated with a university. Lara Croft, from what I can tell, just does this as a hobby. Which, I just realized, makes her an antiquities hunter and therefore she's stealing from other countries. But, hey, at least she has a nice rack.

I just spent too much time rambling about a game when instead I should be making fun of a comic. Onto the pandering!

This is Tomb Raider #12, first published in 2001. I only mention the date because I thought this came out in the 90s, which would make some of the more Rob Liefeldian moments in the art more forgivable. Also, is this title still being published? I only ask because if Blue Beetle and Manhunter get cancelled only for Tomb Raider to still be hanging around I will be forced to brick someone in the face.

Issue 12 is also apparently the second of a two parter storyline. I was not aware of that when I first read the issue, and now one of my major complaints about it has been effectively silenced. Damnit. Now I'm going to find something else to complain about.

This issue was written by Dan Jurgens, who I'm pretty sure had a lot of skeevy gender issues on his JLI run, although for Tomb Raider he turned in a (mostly) serviceable script. Billy Tan, whose work I don't know, is the penciller, and his art is pretty lovely in this. Although there are a few occasions where one of the characters will be stuck with that Rob Liefeld expression. You know the one with the pinched face that every character no matter gender or ethnicity have because it is the only facial expression Liefeld can draw (speaking of, Darcy seems to think I should do an entire post discussing Rob Liefeld's art style, because apparently it'll be funny to see me descend into a pit of madness and despair from which there is no escape, all the while watching me lose all faith in humanity).

This is the perfect example of the pandering. Although, possibly, Lara Croft is showing us that you really don't need all those warm layers to keep you from frostbite and hypothermia, something we women have known for ages. That's right, fellas, next time you go skiing grab a pair of hot pants and hit the slopes.

This is the second part of this two part story line and opens with Lara Croft plummeting from a cliff to her death.

Shockingly enough, I do not care, although I would like to point out that in this panel it appears she is sporting the ever stylish rat tail hair style. Keep it klassy, Lara Croft.

But, of course, like in any fictional story when the protagonist leaps or falls off a cliff there is a body of water to save her, although it knocks her unconscious and for a brief moment I briefly entertain the hope that she'll drown. That's mean, even for me, especially since I don't hate Lara Croft that much. Or yet at this point in the story.

Lara is, of course, not dead and wakes up in a rather fancy room. She's wearing this:

For no reason other than the fact that everybody knows fanboys only read for the plot. Also, apparently there's wasn't enough fabric left over from the robe to make an entire nightgown.

I have to give credit where credit is due and say that the art can be very lovely at times, like here.

Touche, Top Cow. Touche.

So Lara's just hanging out on the balcony, while the nightgown keeps threatening to rebel and reveal her cooter to the entire city. There's a tiny idol on the railing, which I think is maybe supposed to be like a fu dog (foreshadowing!), and Lara rambles on about being relaxed and at peace and not only do I not care, but I'm getting bored.

Thankfully, Mu'Tin, who I guess is sort of the leader or something I don't actually know, takes the opportunity to arrive and move the plot forward


So Lara's in Shangri-La, which Mu'Tin describes as the ever-lasting city that people keep stumbling into. Apparently everyone there is welcome. Fen Tai is the guardian which threw Laura off the cliff. Fen Tai immediately becomes my favorite character.

Mu'Tin continues that everyone who wanders into Shangri-La decides to stay, and I am must quickly sidestep the falling plot anvil. Mu'Tin continues that no one in Shangri-La age or die and blah blah it's a a paradise, can we move along?

Lara decides to shoulder the plot burden and say she's here to help a friend, which I'm sure if I read the first part of this series I may know what she's talking about and/or care, although I have my doubts. Also, Lara proves that the plot anvil managed to smack her on its way down.

Yes, Lara, why are you so damned surprise? Remember how my best friend Fen Tai the guardian threw you off a cliff? Yeah, imprisonment sort of pales next to attempted murder.

So Lara is introduced as the newest citizen and for some reason everyone is really excited. I'm not sure why since she's wearing modest clothes and you can't see her breasts. Lara thinks that Shangri-la is heaven, but can't help but wonder if "heaven has sentries as well?"

Okay, I'm sorry, but I honestly can't tell if that is meant to be a dramatic rhetorical question or not. I really hope it is because if it isn't that means Lara Croft is functionally retarded and Dan Jurgens is a hack writer. Hey, Lara, remember my BFF Fen Tai who threw you off a cliff and almost killed you? Yeah, he's a goddamn guardian so it stands to reason heaven as sentries. Also, I hate you.

Lara goes on to monologue about how the kids are all happy and innocent and Shangri-La is a drug free zone. As nice as these sentiments are, Lara, can we cut back on the after school special and move on to where you shoot things?

To quote Mike from MST3K: "Is this supposed to be boring or touching? I can't quite tell."

Oh, this is just retarded. Are you telling me that Lara Croft, who speaks like elevenity hundred languages and has traveled around the world numerous times climbing rock walls and looting anceint archaeological sites and skiing in hot pants can't use chopsticks? Bite me, Jurgens.

I do like in the second panel how the kid is apparently amazed at the easy way Lara can carry a small bundle of twigs. She's like Wonder Woman.

And we're back to Lara's inner monologue. Christ. Even better, Lara gets to play white woman to the Asian population and wax on about how Shangri-La is, like, totally awesome and peaceful and idyllic and everything is in harmony, not at all like the corrupt Western World.

You know, other writers would take pains to juxtapose the peace and love of Shangri-La to Lara's past of being orphaned and the years she spent traveling the world and constantly almost being killed. Jurgens, however, takes the easier route and settles on repeatedly telling over showing and employing trite and borderline racist sterotypes to get his point across.

And then we get to meet Chase Carver, Exposition's bitch.

I know the lettering is small and you can't read it, but it boils down to is that Laura and Exposition timeshare Chase the bitch, and that he wants to bone Lara but she doesn't want to fuck him.

Shut up, you giant tool. There are no words to describe how much I absolutely hate that last panel. The fourth wall is there for a goddamn reason. It allows us, the reader, the pretense that these are real people who we should care about. And, yes, I realize, Jurgens, you had necessary exposition you needed to get across, but there are better ways than to have Chase the Tool be talking to himself in a helicopter and then add on a wink, wink to the audience.

There are only a few people who can get away with breaking the fourth wall. Monty Python, for one, because they are comic geniuses, and you, Jurgens are not. In comics, the only way to do that is Deadpool, and unless you're the smart ass Merc with the Mouth I suggest you sit the hell down and shut up.

Also, Chase's stupid arrogant smirk is just begging me to brick the hell out of his stupid, little face.

Before I can break the laws of physics to reach through the page to punch him, we cut back to Lara, who is being really creepy and breaking into the little girl's room to leave her a paper crane.

"I will always remember you, little girl I met the one time and who gave me a badly folded paper crane. That's right, I will never forget you, girl whose name I never found out because I didn't care enough. Never."

Oh, Jesus, we get more dialogue boxes from Laura, at least time they're mercifully short and don't involve sneaking into any young girl's bedroom while she's sleeping. Instead, Lara Croft is going to try to sneak out of Shangri-La, despite the danger of the watchdog. She throws on her jacket--
And goes to sneak past Fen Tai--

I'm sorry, but did Lara Croft just change back into her incredibly short nightgown to sneak past the incredibly dangerous guardian that almost killed her once? I'm sure it's just the scan and she isn't really wearing--

Son of a bitch! Why the hell is she barefoot and in the skimpy nightgown? Why? Also, Jurgens, pointing out the skimpy nightgown ("Wish I had my pistols. Not to mention my boots and some clothes!") does not cover for the fact this makes absolutely no fucking sense.

This is the exact moment this issue stopped being an okay if not great comic and made me genuinely angry. We've already seen that Shangri-La has actual clothes; Lara was wearing some of them earlier. We've seen that there are pants and shoes made available to citizens and yet Lara Croft is in that goddamn nightgown for no reason other than to pander to the male audience.

This is what really bothers me about Tomb Raider: Lara Croft, this intelligent, athletic heroine with her own motivations and personality (as two dimensional as it comes across), she always gets reduced to nothing more than balant T&A to titillate the fanboys. Like women in comics, Lara Croft is objectified and sexualized and put on display. Fuck you, Top Cow.

We're almost done, so let's finish this up. Lara is running from Fen Tai, and I have to say my BFF looks less like a fu dog and more like some gorilla thing. I bet Lara would be escape better if she had shoes.

Meanwhile, Chase is all asshole smarmy and says that Lara's personal satellite implant just kicked in and so he's going to track her and presumably come to her rescue. I'm guessing that implant makes it easy for Chase to stalk her.

Mu'Tin is pissed and is determined to stop Lara from escaping. Again, shouldn't be too hard because Lara is half-naked and should be cut the hell up from the lack of protective clothing.

Oh good, Tan, nice use of the Liefeld face. No, really, it's...nice.

As much as I'm pissed at Jurgens and gang for ignoring all common sense and shoving Lara into a scrap of fabric, I have to say that the layout in this books has been pretty good, and this splash page in particular is amazing:

Mu'Tin manages to wrap her chain necklace thing around Lara, and she starts to change into a guardian, which is the punishment for trying to leave Shangri-La. I'm not sure why leaving is such a bad thing. It's entirely possible they explained it but I was in a bored stupor and didn't catch it.

Chase shows up, proving to Mu'Tin he can match her Rob Leifeld angry face with one of his own.

We finally learn who Lara's friend she was trying to help. It's Mrs. Baker, Lara's old nanny who was"dear" to her as her dead mother.

Who wants to place bets that Mrs. Baker was some not white but delightfully ethnic? Anyone.

Huh, I guess I was wrong. Mrs. Baker is apparenly Spiderman's kindly Aunt May. Apparently Aunt May is the go to person everytime you need a 131 year old woman in your comic.

Lara, continuing to change into a gaurdian, says she'll do whatever Mu'Tin wants as long as Mrs. Aunt May gets into Shangri-La, where she will persumably spend the rest of her life as an 318 year old mumified woman.

I don't know about you, but it would be really interesting to see Lara actually change into the guardian. Would she lose her human intelligence? How would she cope with it? Would she find her way back? I find that way more interesting what the hell's actually going on.

Mu'Tin agrees to take Aunt Baker to Shangri-La and let Lara go on the condition that Lara never ever comes back ever. Lara and Chase the Giant, Smirking Tool agree, and they take off.

Lara gets all weepy because she can't ever go back to Shangri-La and apparently this is a huge loss for her.

This would have more of an emotional impact if a) I was not confused because I thought Lara gave that stupid Paper Crane of Vague Emotional Significance back to the nameless girl or b) Jurgens was able to effectively protray how much the promise of peace and harmony that Shangri-La represented meant to Lara, the orphan with a dangerous life. Since Jurgens doesn't clarify either, I find myself not caring and also advising Lara to shut the hell up.

So there you have it, folks, Tomb Raider 12. It wasn't the most horrible thing I've read, but it was far from the best. Tomb Raider the comic will hopefully be shoved into some small corner and forgotten by publishing companies everywhere, because I would have to harness Alan Moore levels of bitterness to read another issue.

God of Bad Life Decisions

I started replaying God War II again recently, because in unpacking I managed to unearth my PS2. And, yes, I am going to talk about a game that came out three years ago, because there's nothing I love more then to be topical.

The God of War franchise is pretty awesome, and I adore the games, because the entire point is to run around as a giant psychotically angry man and kill everything. Kratos is not even close to being a hero in this. At various points in the second game, you are required to kill Theseus, Perseus, and sacrifice two translators in the most brutal way possible while they beg for their life. Oh, and in the first game, if I remember correctly, you roast a man alive as he too begs for his life. Good times!

What's striking about this isn't the level of violence--this game is rated M for a reason--but the complete amorality of Kratos. In other games, you may find Kratos having to team up with the old Greek Heroes, or at least expressing remorse over their deaths. But not Kratos! The only thing he seems to regret is not being angry enough to go on yet another killing spree. It is, in its own twisted way, rather refreshing to have a character free of angst and woe and morals just go murder a bunch of people. Kratos doesn't even qualify as a anti-hero. He's just a big, angry brick of meat.

What I find interesting about this series, and I don't know if the creators intentionally did this, but everything that happens to Kratos is his own damn fault. Through both games (and the tie-ins, which I haven't played so I can't talk about those), before every stupid decision that Kratos makes he gets ample warning of the consequences.

The event that kicks off the chain reaction is Kratos going to fight some barbarians. At this point, Kratos is well on his way to the angry shouting that will make up the rest of his interactions with other beings, but not quite as psychotically angry as he will be later. Everyone tells him he needs to back off his whole zeal for war--even his wife and child are all, "Kratos, honey, relax. Seriously, you're freaking us out." Instead of listening to these warnings, Kratos goes off, gets his ass handed to him, and makes the deal with Aries.

Then there was that priestess who told Kratos not to go into that temple, which he ignored, and he ends up killing his wife and child. Kratos, we got to work on your listening skills. This cues the entire events of the first game, but skip ahead to the beginning of the second, and we see that Kratos has still not learned to go to those anger management classes.

Kratos is the new God of War, and he's continuing his killing spree. Athena shows up and warns him if he doesn't calm down the gods will take certainly take his ass down. Kratos ignores her and he ends up getting his godly powers sucked away and then stabbed by Zeus' ridiculously large sword. Kratos, proving he is not the brightest meat brick around, acts surprised as Zeus' betrayal.

Really, Kratos? Seriously? The gods warned you like eighteen different times and even sent you a note on nice stationary about their plans:

Dear Kratos,

Calm down. Seriously. We know you're psychotically angry and all that, but cut this shit out. Remember what happened to Aries when he was destroying all those cities? That's right, we recruited you to kill his ass. What makes you think we won't do that to you?

Also, please cut down on the abuses you hurl at us. We're the ones who made you a god and we can bust your ass back down again. In conclusion, calm the fuck down and start going to those anger management classes we bought you.

Love,
The Gods

P.S. Did you RSVP for Persephone and Hades' barbecue? The priest needs to know how many cows to sacrifice for it.

And yet Kratos is still shocked when Zeus and the gods attempt to kill him. Dear god, Kratos, I think you may actually be dumber than the Prince of Whine.

Of course, everything that happened to Kratos may have been because of the Titans manipulating events so they can get their revenge on the gods. I really hope that is the case, because oh the delicious irony. Kratos is always spouting off about being the puppet for the gods and surprise! He's been used by the Titans all along.

Oh, Kratos, you really are a giant, stupid brick of meat.

Which brings me to my next point. I can no longer play GoW without thinking of this:




Because I have very little willpower and shame and am easily enabled (you know who you are) this happened:



My favorite part of this is the Titan, whose expression seems to say, "Oh shit, guys, did we think allying outselves with a socippathic crazy killer through?" No you did not, Titan who I don't know, no you did not.






And then it spiraled (more) out of control:





I'm done...okay, that's a lie.


Sung to the tune of the Spiderman theme song.



Now I really am done with my crappy macros. This also proves there is no situation that MST3K is not applicable to. None.

Now I only took quotes from episode 820 Space Mutiny, but all of you should go out and find other quotes from MST3K episodes and apply it to God of War because it will be hilarious. Go on, you know you want to. Roll FizzleBeef compels you!

On this edition of Toying with Darcy's Emotions...

What It Would Take For New Firefly?
By Graeme McMillan, 6:30 AM on Mon Jun 1 2009

What does Dollhouse's second season have to do with Firefly? According to TV By
The Numbers, more than you may expect. And, if you follow their logic, it may
even mean that we could see new Firefly on our screens. Saying that the
continued success of Firefly on DVD is likely one reason behind Fox's surprise
renewal of Dollhouse, the site's Nick C writes,

I think from my talks with the people running FOX that they would bring [Firefly] back under the right circumstances. However, you must understand that right now Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin, Morena Baccarin, and Alan Tudyk (plus he was killed in SERENITY) all have gigs for the foreseeable future. However don't underestimate the power of a movie. FOX could likely be easily talked into a Movie or two for next season. They could air after an NFL game or playoff game. The movies would easily sell on DVD. The question now falls into rights, but the guys at FOX wouldn't be alone. If Universal is now in possession of future rights to projects, NBC or USA wouldn't mind getting in on the cash opportunity either. A couple movies shot and made for TV and then released on DVD would be profitable for anyone involved. At the same time the cast would still be able to keep doing their normal gigs. Just shoot the movie around their schedules.

Does this mean it's likely? Not really, unless Joss Whedon or somebody else at Mutant Enemy suddenly decides that it's a good idea - and, to be honest, I'd be surprised that this avenue hasn't been explored before by those who wanted the series to continue in the first place. But, then again, I don't have sources at Fox, so there's every possibility that they are ready for some more flights of the Serenity... and if they could work out schedules, a million browncoats might finally be willing to forgive and forget.

Firefly: Would FOX or NBC Be Willing To Bring It Back? [TV By The Numbers]

I want this. I want it so bad. I, among thousands of other fellow browncoats, would do all sorts of borderline illegal things, (possibly even things that cross that border) to make this happen. You want my money, evil corporate dillholes who are in charge of these decisions? You got it! I'll buy the DVD, the Blu-Ray, the Special Edition Collectors box set with a life size replica of Vera or something else super pandertastic like a skanky bust of River, ALL OF IT! I will give up important things for this, like food and dignity.

However, my feeling about the circumstances of it possibly even kinda maybe coming back are so mixed I don't even know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do.

WASH IS NOT DEAD LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

Ok, now that that is out of the way, lets us examine the pros and cons.

Pros:

-Firefly would be back! The squee moments and the characters and the awesomness of the show I love would be back for me to enjoy! Questions could be answered! (i.e. WTF is up with Book, and Whats the deal with those Two by Two Hands of Blue guys?!) and the world could be expanded, character backgrounds and relationships could be further fleshed out!

-Two Words: NATHAN FILLION

THIS GUY! CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS!! WANT!

-More Words: Jayne! Zoe! Wash! Kaylee! Hot Doctor! You get it!!
-Joss (if he comes back with the show) could get the oppourtunity to show us what Firefly could have done in the second season! Give Joss a chance!

Cons/Worries:
-Would we be getting post Serenity continuity (i.e. would there, or wouldn't there be a Hoban Washburn in the world!?) or the world between, like in the graphic novels?

-It's really not even worth the effort if the original cast doesn't come back. As the article points out, Most of the people I love most in the show are currently elsewhere employed. (Though with the exemption of Adam Baldwin and Joss Whedon I'd be perfectly happy if the other cast member's shows suddenly got canned in favor of this. I really REALLY like Chuck and I don't know how I'd feel if Adam Baldwin left that show, even for another Firefly. And could Joss maybe handle two shows at once? Dollhouse is getting pretty good! They are giving that show a second chance, despite the ratings. Should I give up on my Firefly dreams and just latch onto this show for my Whedon-verse fix?)

-The chances of the magic coming back are low, even if they get every single member of the original cast and crew back. Taking even one ingredient out of the pot has a high chance of epically failing and dashing our dreams upon the cold cold ground.

-I realize that this is yet more idle internet chatter with no actual anything to back it up, it's been going on since the show was cancelled initially. BUT I CAN HOPE CANT I!? IT'S ALL I HAVE!!!

Closing Thoughts:

If I clap my hands and cry "I do believe in Firefly, I do! I do!" will it be real!? PLEASE!?

I hate the internet for making me believe for even a moment that this is within my reach.

I'll be in the corner weeping for my fandom if anyone needs me.

~Darcy

Jayne is not dead. In fact, she thinks she'll go for a walk.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I am not, in fact, dead nor have I stumbled through a rip in space and time and ended up in a place with no Internet access. I've moved into my new apartment, am almost unpacked, have started a summer class, and am now desperately trying to find the laundry room in my building (that actually may have fallen through a rip in space and time).

The point of that list was not only to bore you to death with things not geek-related but to point out that I'll probably won't be popping up with bitter tirades during the next couple of weeks. I will try to abuse the scanner at the writing lab to bring you some comic goodness at some point, and expect to see some rambly post about a video game at least three years old because that's just how I roll.

I thought I would take this opportunity to stop working on one story that is slowly pushing me to view defenestration as a good idea, and instead talk a little about a book I recently read. The book is Reading the OED: One Man, One Year, 21,730 Pages by Ammon Shea.

Yes, I am reading a book about a man reading the Oxford English Dictionary. Look, I am a contributor to a blog called The Geekiest Girls You Know. This cannot be a surprise to any of you.

Reading the OED is light and fun, especially if you love the English language, which I do (see above for defenestration). The book is broken into chapters that follow the individual letters of the alphabet, and it's nice framing device. Each chapter doesn't deal explicitly with the OED, but more of Shea's experiences reading it. Shea takes a lot of tangents to explain his love of dictionaries, talking about optometrist he's been seeing since he was child, some history on dictionaries themselves, and boils down to a lot of free association. The result is charming and sweet, if perhaps lacking focus.

What really makes the book, though, is that at the end of each chapter is a list of words Shea has discovered while reading the OED. He lists his favorite words with his simplified definition, and buying this book alone is worth it for the words he finds.

I love words and languages, and especially English because English is the kind of language that accosts other languages in a dark alley and rifles through its pockets for spare adverbs. I mean, English actually has a word that means to throw yourself out a window (defenestration, and MST3K made a joke about refenestration, proving they are all giant dorks and I love them).

How can you not love a book that finds words that mean the approach of evening (advesperate), the point on the back on a animal that lies between the shoulders and the lower back, which cannot be reached to scratch (acenstious), or being equal to another in stupidity (uasinous)? You can't is my point.

As an aside, English also has a word that means the action of frizzling (hair). That word is frizilation and is relevant to my life because that's all my hair does when it senses even the smallest amount of moisture, which causes it to expand to thrice it's normal size. I now have a word to put to the sensation of my hair frizzing in every direction: it is frizalting. Also, I stumbled across it because I was bored one day and looking up random words in the OED online. Why, what do you do when you're bored?

One of the other words Shea defines is wonderclout (n): a thing that is showy but worthless. This is one of the words that makes me wonder how I ever got along without it. You know that move in any video game that is always really awesome looking but doesn't serve a purpose? It's a wonderclout. Any geek's encyclopedic knowledge of comic books and tendency to obsess over continuity to the point of distraction is a wonderclout. My ability to keep a running list of the Absolutely, Non-Slanderous, Completely True Facts about Alan Moore is a wonderclout. This entire post talking about language and words is a wonderclout. Damn, that word is useful.

But my new absolute favorite word, edging out frizilation and defenestration and wonderclout is unbepissed.

Unbepissed (adj.): not having been urinated on; unwet with urine.

That's right, there was apparently a time in human history that being peed on or covered with urine was so rampant you needed a special word to mean you were urine-free. This is also my new favorite response to the question "how was your day?" because if your day was so gut wrenching awful the only thing you can say about it in response is that no one peed on you, well, that really sums up the suck of your day in one short, awesome word.

Goddamn, I love English.

Oh, in unpacking I found my copy of Ed Wood's Death of Transvestite, so expect a wonderclout recap of that book.

In conclusion, I hope that your day, dear reader, has remained unbepissed.

You all know I wouldn't be able to resist this

If there is one thing that is able to draw me from my crazy eyed, packing/cross country move nightmare it is epically bad movies. This one is so awesomely awful that we need a new word for it. Awesomeful? Awfulsome? Or perhaps we should just say Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. No. Seriously.




I have watched the trailer about eleven times and there are still so many unanswered questions.

How desperate were Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson for money that they decided to "star" in this movie? Surely there are less humiliating ways to earn money. Like selling your kidneys on the black market.

When is the exact moment in this movie that you can actually see the actors die on the inside? How much LSD did you have to take to come up with this concept?

How is a shark, albeit even a mega one, able to leap thousands of miles into the air to chow down on an commercial airplane? Why would the shark even want to do that? Was it bored? Was it a dare from his other mega shark friends? I suppose even mega sharks suffer from peer pressure.

You are aware that if something living is frozen it does not place the organism in a state of suspended animation but kills it dead, right, movie? Also, if you want to go for the mega fauna angle, you are way off with your math. Way off.

How drunk do you think that Australian guy was in order to say the line "I've looked into its eyes" without laughing and/or losing all respect for himself?

Thrilla in Manilla, Deborah Gibson? Really? You just managed to get five shades whiter saying that line. Also, I will pay you to never, ever utter that inane line again.

Are the writers aware that octopuses, even giant ones, are not natural enemies of sharks, even mega ones?

What the fuck? No, seriously, what the fucking fuck, Asylum? It was like this movie was specifically made to fuck with my head.

I think we all know that I am going to buy the hell out of this movie and recap it for you because Giant Octopus vs. Mega Shark, people! I am only so strong.

Wait, you mean I actually like something? Shocking!

I know I haven't been around for awhile, what with finals coming up and trying to find a place to live and trying to get a teaching position, but I want to assure you, dear readers, that I have not abandoned you in the midst of my crazy eyed flail.

And by crazy eyes I mean I look like this:

Only with about a thousand times more flail and fail.

Anyway, it's come to my attention that my last four posts have been of the bitter, spiteful, strangly hands variety, and seems to give the impression that I find no joy in the world. Now to be fair, I do have a bitter, spiteful happy place (but the pizza there is delicious), but occasionally I do find something that makes my little geek girl heart swell in joy and happiness and love that has only slightly been be-bittered. Today I shall discuss one of those things. And since Alan My Bead Knows Every Secret You've Never Acknowledged Yes Even That One Moore hasn't done another bitter and crazy interview, I shall fall to my standby of books.

I love books. Genre, literary, good, bad, books are awesome. With any luck (and by "luck" I mean "Oh god I'm going to eat ramen noodles for the next three months") I'll be unemployed and bored this summer and start recapping some of the more awful books I come across (and by awful, I mean one is written by Ed Wood Jr. and another is this blindingly stupid romance. In space), but that is not this post. This post is about happy making things, and so I won't be talking about Ed Wood Jr. and his transvestite killer for hire (no, seriously).

Instead, this is about Kelly Link and two of her short story collections: Stranger Things Happen and Magic for Beginners.

Kelly Link isn't well known, not yet anyway, but she is strange and wonderful. Every story of hers has a strange fantasy twist in it. Most of them have an undertone of creepy. Some will make you shiver. All of them will make you want more.

Stranger Things Happen was published in 2001, so let's start with that one. Unlike Magic for Beginners, STH plays very heavily with fairytale themes and tropes. I don't mean that as a bad thing at all. I love fairy tales, especially the old, dark versions, and Link's twist on these old tales are fantastic.

The stories themselves aren't explicitly linked together, featuring different locations and different characters, but you can see that they all take place within the same world.

I'm not going to go through the collection story by story, not because Link's work doesn't merit because it does, but because there are eleven stories and I would enthusiastically babble about all of them on about the same theme and that's not entertaining for anyone and would also be approximately elevenity hundred pages long. So I'm going to comment on a couple of my favorites.

Link has a deceptively stark and simple style. I say "deceptively" because I have tried to write in this style and struggled with it. This allows Link to make ample use of all the spaces her words leave, and also means that the style is light on description but really rich in provocative phrases that make you shiver.

One of my favorite stories is "Survivor's Ball, or the Donner Party" because it is downright creepy and dripping with tension. Throughout the entire story you keep expecting awful to happen and yet nothing really does, and the entire affect is unsettling and frightening.

It follows Serena and Jasper as they drive through New Zealand and accidentally but not really get invited to the Survivor's Ball. Jasper has a cracked tooth, and this story features my favorite line that makes me seethe with jealousy because I didn't think of it first: "His tooth whined like a dog." This is the perfect Link sentence: short, simple, but goddamn if you don't get what she's talking about.

Like all of her stories, "Survivor's Ball, or the Donner Party" ends in a way that has you going, "Huh. I really want more," but in a good way.

"Flying Lessons" is about young love and tragic death and Greek gods and an Orpheus like journey, only with a twist. The story is broken up into small segments, and dispersed throughout are instructions for going to hell. These instructions open and close the story and add a strong framework for a story that might otherwise have been too formless. And like all things Link writes, there are lots of tiny, weird details, like death by peacock, and odd moments of humor that makes sense within the frame of the story.

"Shoe and Marriage" is perhaps the most experimental story of the entire collection. It is composed of four vignettes, and each of them is only connected by, you guessed it, shoes and marriage. The first is concerned with the prince charming from Cinderella, but not in the way you think and, oh, how I love it even though I'm not entirely sure what's going on in the story.

The next one, "Miss Kansas on Judgement Day" is even more surreal and bewildered, but again, oh god I love it. The third is "The Dictator's Wife," and it's heartbreaking and bleak and sad and so engaging. The last vignette is "Happy ending," and I can't tell you if it actually is a happy ending because my copy of the book, instead of the last page of "Shoe and Marriage," has a reprinting of a page from an earlier story. Thanks, Small Beer Press. Now I will never know if it is a happy ending. I shake my fist at thee!

Finally, "The Girl Detective" is the closing story, and Link weaves together another fairy tale, the twelve dancing princesses, and the idea of Nancy Drew and the girl detective motif, all told from a strange, outsider narrative. Like the stories in this collection, what's really going on beneath the surface isn't entirely clear, but it's such a delightful journey that I'm not sure if it really matters if Link is trying to do anything other than tell a good story. And it is an excellent story.

Magic for Beginners was published in 2005, and unlike STH, the stories in this don't appear to take place in the same universe. While STH drew strongly on fairy tales and myths, MfB, with the exception of one story, seems to have shed that fairy tale feel and is grounded in the real world. Or the real world seen through Link's eyes.

Like I did with STH, I'm picking out a couple of stories to talk about here, but all of them are worth a read. And by "worth," I mean "go pick up her books right now, seriously."

I'm going to start with the exception to my above statement. "Catskin" is very much a fairy tale in its characters and themes and narrative. I don't mean a fairy tale like the white washed Disney versions now, but the old ones that are about blood and gore and scaring you shitless.

Goddamn this story is creepy. Brilliant, but so, so creepy. It follows the story of Small, a witch's son who goes to avenge the witch's death with the witch's cat, who makes him a suit of cat skin from murdered cats. It's hard to describe this story without me just typing the entire thing into the post. Look, if you like the old versions of fairy tales and sitting in an empty room feeling like someone is watching you then you will love this story. This creepy, creepy story.

"The Hortlak" involves zombies, but not the traditional, brain eating zombies. These zombies come into a 24 hour convenience store, but not for brains. This story follows girl Charley, Batu, and Eric. It's a story about young love and loss trying to figure out what the hell you want. It also has another amazing line: "Eric worked in retail since he was sixteen. He knew how hateful people could be." Word, Kelly Link, WORD.

"The Cannon," is my least favorite story. It's told as an question and answer session, and it's not clear who is speaking. There's a lot of really great details and interesting world building going on in such a short piece, but it never quite gels for me.

"Stone Animals" is a haunted house story, only REALLY FUCKING CREEPY BY A LOT. It appeared in Best American Short Stories of, um, 2006, I think. A family moves into a house with stone rabbits out front, and things in the house become haunted, including one of the children. Nothing happens in the traditional haunted house sense, but it's more subtly creepier than The Grudge could ever hope to be.

Quickly, in passing, "The Great Divorce," features one of my favorite narrative structure kinks: stories within stories. In this story a character tells another story, and in that story another character tells a story which features characters from the first story. Follow? It's okay if you don't. The fun lies in unpacking it all.

"Magic for Beginners," the titular story, is by far the longest. It follows Jeremy and his friends and family and a show called "The Library," which may or may not be the adventures of real people. What Link does really well in this is that confusing tangle of emotions when you're fifteen and hopped up on so many hormones you can barely think and you like two different girls at once and trying to navigate your way through it all while your parents are going through a rough patch and you have to move to another town. Wow, that last sentence is a mess, but you get my point.

What I don't like about this story is that everyone in it, the teenagers, the parents, Jeremy himself, are presented as these quirky people who you know would never exist in real life yet pop up all the time in books and movies. To be honest, I think why it bothers me is because I find myself doing the same thing in my own stories, making my characters all quirky and precious. In clumsy hands that can be irriating, and Link is treading a very fine line.

In all, Kelly Link creates stories in a world that is far more mysterious and magical and downright creepy than our own. She has a new collection out that I haven't been able to pick up yet, but I deeply want it.

If you're still unconvinced to give Kelly Link a try, Neil Gaiman has this to say: Kelly Link is probably the best short story writer currently out there, in any genre or none. She puts one word after another and makes real magic with them--funny, moving, tender, brave and dangerous. She is unique, and should be declared a national treasure, and possibly surrounded at all times by a cordon of armed marines.

And we all know you don't argue with Neil Gaiman, so go pick up her books right now.

And don't worry, soon I shall be back to my bitter, spiteful self.

Jayne reacts to the Heroes season finale with caps lock and profanity. So the usual.

Dear Heroes,

We used to be so good together. Remember the first season and how happy we were? Sure, your dialogue sometimes made me cringe, but you gave me Hiro and Matt and Mohinder, who is the dumbest scientist alive but is very, very pretty. I can be shallow like that.

And then we had to take a break over the summer, but I knew you would be back and we would be together again. And then season 2 happened, and you changed. At first I thought it was me, that I did something wrong, so I tried to be good so we could be happy together.

But it wasn't me. It was you, with your goddamn wondertwin and the creepy stalker Wes and the whole Hiro in ancient Japan because you were just that cruel. But you said you realized your mistakes and we could be together again. I just had to wait for season 3.

So I waited and when volume 3 started I realized your pants were on fire, you big, fat liar. Season 3 brought more fridging of women, the goddamn tarted up wondertwin, Mohinder being painfully stupid, Peter's power apparently changed to whining and being useless, zombie Papa Petrelli, and absolutely everything to do with Sylar.

And then volume 4 started, and I thought maybe you were getting better. Sure, Sylar was still sticking around with his daddy issues, but at least this volume seemed to have a plot and the characterization wasn't being changed every other minute. And Bryan Fuller returned with Cold Snap, and brought back Micah and for a moment I was happy. And then you had to smack it out of me because apparently you can't change.

And I think I pushed that metaphor far enough. You all get the idea.

Volume 4 was leaps and bounds better than the FUBAR messes that were volumes 2 and 3. The goddamn wondertwin is gone, Ando is looking really pretty, Peter has stopped being blindingly stupid and is back to badass, Mohinder isn't making me wish to reach through the screen to choke the dumb out of him, and Daphne was awesome before she got killed.

Bryan Fuller brought back Micah as Rebel, which was awesome and I totally called it. Of course, I liked to think before this that Micah and Monica were off having adventures and Monica was all ninja awesome, but I'll take what I can get. Also, the actor playing Micah has some chops because he pulled off a very believable creepy Sylar smirk. Go you, kid, with acting and hitting puberty!

Of course there was Sylar. Oh god, Sylar with his unbearable daddy issues and awful uneven writing and his gay fascination with Danko, and god, Sylar, just blow him already and shut the hell up. And then with his new shape shifting powers Sylar went all Norman Bates crazy. Sure, why the hell not? Last volume he was bad, good, bad, confused, Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues, good, and then bad again, so why not makes him crazy? He's been everything else. Hey, writers, pick one damn characterization and stick with it! Also, Sylar is not as interesting as you think he is.

Zachery Quinto, darling, you are a marvelous actor, you are, but for the love of god get out of this show already because you are way better than this.

The finale had some high points, like Peter being pretty badass as Worfbama and taking down Sylar. Noah is badass like usual, Christina Rose as Angela can act the hell out of any scene, and Ando and Hiro were adorable, so that's all good.

But then there was everything to do with Sylar. He was controlling Claire how? He's never used his telekinesis this specifically before. That looked like Doyle's puppet powers, but Sylar didn't take those. He just tied him up in ribbons and left him for his new boyfriend Danko to find. But, really, with the what-the-fuckery coming up this is just nit picky.

Sylar continued to be creepy with Claire, and monologue about how his real father is dying AND WE GET IT SHOW HE HAS DADDY ISSUES CAN WE MOVE ALONG JESUS. Peter and Nathan show up and they fight off screen and then Sylar slits Nathan's throat, killing him.

Fine, fine, Claire's magic Jesus blood will bring him back to life, moving along. OH WAIT THE SHOW IS RETARDED AND DOESN'T REMEMBER THAT. That's right, Matt has to mind whammy Slyar into thinking he's Nathan for some reason I honestly don't care about because at that point I was yelling at the television.

Even Noah is all for the Sylar as Nathan thing because he suffered amnesia and forgot he got SHOT IN THE FUCKING EYE and Claire's blood healed him.

Look, Heroes, I know you want to pretend volume 2 never happened, and I'm mostly with you, but the magic Jesus blood thing was a major plot point since Noah isn't dead. For fuck's sake, Nathan has a slit throat, not a BULLET IN THE BRAIN. A pint of Claire's blood and he'll be up and being an indecisive douchebag in no time.

Of course, that would assume this show has any grasp of continuity and god forbid that happens. I really wish I could say I was done with this show, but we all know that would be a lie. Curse my sense of morbid curiosity.

Well, come on, Heroes, bring on season 4. I am ready with my bitter snark and my bricks. Let's do this.

In the meantime...

I think it's been a bit longer than usual since I posted something of interest so, in order to remain unforgotten by you, dear reader, I offer this:



G.I. Joe: Resolute!

This is a a series of ten or so five-minute long webisodes that premiered on adultswim.com April 17th. I'm pretty sure they are supposed to be in the continuity of the movie or at least within some accepted Joe continuum. I admit I was way more into the Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers (cough*JemandtheHolograms*cough) when this show was on, so I'm not at all in the know about the goings on of G.I. Joe. I know Snake eyes doesn't talk and I always thought the Baroness was kinda cool cause she wore glasses like me, but thats about it...still I'm way into watching these webisodes!

MY GOD is this a good looking peice of work. Especially for something that is made for the web. Then again, stuff like this just goes to show that the future of awesome lies in made-for-the-internet productions like this. It looks gritty and violent with classy anime-ish animation (looks kinda like Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex or Samurai Champloo!) like a G.I. Joe cartoon in my humble opinion SHOULD be!

This will actually premier on TV, (on adultswim obviously) at midnight TOMMOROW NIGHT!
The series will wrap up online with a ten minute finale, all of which will be shown on adultswim and then subsequently be released on DVD.

Makes me excited for the movie!

I'll have something more substantial later this week!
~Darcy

I have seen through their clever plan

It's fitting that with the end of the semester approaching with the speed and impact of a runaway train (and consequently making me realize I am made of fail) that it would be comics that pulls me from my sleepless, stressed out, school work daze. For a nice change of pace, it's DC this time instead of Marvel.

I think there might be some people in the background, but I can't see past the BOOBS, so who knows.

A lot of other people have already been commenting on this, and there isn't a lot left for me to say. Kara's face isn't shown, just her torso, so yes it is dehumanizing. And, yes, this is another example how DC wants her to be both sweet and innocent and yet sex her the hell up for the fanboy pandering. Comics sure do love them some Whore/Madonna complex. Also, does DC not any person to perhaps point how incredibly tasteless and gross this is? Not even an intern?

Initially, my reaction was anger and disgust and then it shifted into resigned acceptance. This is just yet another in a long line of examples of comics, especially the big two, being really, purposefully blind to the rampant sexism and female objectification that they put out. And with the resignation came a realization of DC and Marvel's clever plan!

So we all know that anger takes energy. By continuing to put out things like this and Marvel Divas, DC and Marvel will wait until everyone gets too tired to keep protesting and criticizing them and just gives in and accepts it. Devious!

This is just to say that DC and Marvel are sticking to the wrong, outdated idea that comics are for men and not women and nothing will ever change that and they are going to bring on the boobs!

Oh, comics, you bring out the uncontrollable strangly hands in me.

Didn't we just do this, Marvel?

For all the times I appear to address DC and Marvel directly (as if they read this and care), I do know that the big two don't even know if I exist, and even if they did know of my pathetic, scrambling existence, they would most certainly not go out of their way to antagonize me. And yet when I see something like this (scroll down to Marvel Divas), I can't help but think they are taunting me.

So. Marvel Divas. Christ. I know I'm the one who brought this up so I should talk about it. Okay, right. Deep breaths. Deep, calming, non-strangly breaths.

Oh, sweet zombie Jesus, look at this art. You know, I always thought that women looked differently from one another. You know, had different body types and facial features, so I'm glad that Marvel is here to correct me. All women have the same exact figure with ridiculously long torsos, big breasts and anatomically impossibly arched feet. Oh, and the half-lidded bedroom eyes that says this is all sexy, sexy danger just for you.

The worse part is that this art is pretty damn normal for comics, especially the big two. I am, however, sick of the rationalization that since this is a long tradition of objectifying women in comics I should just accept it because sex sells. Funny, though, how the sex sells argument only means women and not men. Hilarious.

Let's get to the description of the series:

This also seems like the perfect time to announce our Marvel Divas limited series, beginning in July, from Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa and Tonci Zonjic, featuring some of the Marvel Universe’s greatest female heroes in a way you haven’t seem them before.

I’ll let Roberto explain:“The idea behind the series was to have some sudsy fun and lift the curtain a bit and take a peep at some of our most fabulous super heroines. In the series, they're an unlikely foursome of friends--Black Cat, Hell Cat, Firestar, and Photon--with TWO things in common: They're all leading double-lives and they're all having romantic trouble. The pitch started as "Sex and the City" in the Marvel Universe, and there's definitely that "naughty" element to it, but I also think the series is doing to a deeper place, asking question about what it means...truly means...to be a woman in an industry dominated by testosterone and guns. (And I mean both the super hero industry and the comic book industry.) But mostly it's just a lot of hot fun.”

This actually makes me long for "female product." It's like someone at Marvel said, "Hey, Birds of Prey was pretty popular and had a long run. I know, I know. That's really surprising since it's all women, but maybe we should get in on that. See if we can't trick more women into reading comics. What else do women like? Well, shoes. And Sex and the City. Chicks eat that up. We stick some girl characters into a Sex and the City role and girls will just eat this up."

Although judging by that picture up there, I am obviously not the intended demographic for this, because, obviously, I am a female and we all know females don't read comics. In fact, females only like Sex and the City and the crap Lifetime puts out.

Just look at the language they use in this: "peep at." There's a voyeuristic element to it, the titillating thought you might find these four in their underwear having a pillow fight. You will never see them using the word "peep" to describe any male characters, because they are men doing manly things.

My absolute favorite part has to be this: "I also think the series is doing to a deeper place, asking question about what it means...truly means...to be a woman in an industry dominated by testosterone and guns. (And I mean both the super hero industry and the comic book industry.) But mostly it's just a lot of hot fun.”

These two sentences together is deeply, deeply amazing. And by "amazing" I obviously mean "infuriating" in that Aguirre-Sacasa cannot see how deeply insulting and unintentionally ironic these two sentences are.

He's trying to earn credit by saying that this isn't just soft-core porn for male comic nerds, but the series will also be exploring the sexism that exists within the world of comics and comic publishing. And by doing so they are going to develop character arcs for the four women and explore their friendship while having them be heroes. You know, that's a comic I would be interested in reading.

And then the second sentence is a big fat "JUST KIDDING" and my uncontrollable strangly hands start itching. "But mostly it's just a lot of hot fun" translates to "These four female characters will be in their underwear a lot in titillating, pseudo-lesbian positions so you male readers can get your rocks off." Because, hey, why else would you have women in comics? Certainly not for them to be kicking ass right alongside their male counterparts.

For the record, I am not opposed to Marvel having a more light hearted, fun title. Hell, Cable & Deadpool fulfilled just that role before it was cruelly canceled. And even in a fun title you can have some dark parts and really go deep with characterization.

What I am opposed to is what I fear Marvel Divas (and that name along makes me want to brick someone) will turn into more objectification that panders to the believed base of shut-in comic nerds who can't get a date if their life depended it. What's even worse is that Marvel is going to try to present it in terms of feminism in exploring women in male dominated fields when it's really, really not going to be that all.

Comics have a really bad track record when trying to incorprate feminism in their titles, which is a post for another time. And in this case, Marvel seems to be under the assumption that Sex and the City, while very successful, is the default state of entertainment that women like and that it is feminism. Ah, yes, listening to Carrie Bradshaw prattle on about shoes and romance and sex for an hour certainly counts as feminist!

How about we have Marvel Divas for men? You can get Spiderman and Wolverine and Cap sitting around and drinking and talking about their love life. What's that you say? That would never happen because it's boring and readers would much rather see well-written heroics in their superhero comics? Exactly.

If you keep shoving this down my throat, Marvel, I'm going to need a special O MARVEL NO tag.

Now to wash this bad taste out of my throat, this looks like it has the potential to be pretty amazing.

If anyone of you are in Boston and happen to catch a show, let me know how it is, since I'll be stuck in Chicago and won't be able to go. There's an article here that goes into more detail.

And since it's still technically Easter, I wish all of you a very Happy Zombie Jesus Day.

I don't actually have a zombie Jesus scan, but I think Jesus Christ, Vampire Slayer is just as

good for some old fashioned blasphemy on the most important day in Christianity. Enjoy!

And it's time for another round of Uncontrollable Strangly Hands

So I was planning on sitting down and working on some school work (which features zombies. Not actual zombies, but the idea of them. The zombies may, in fact, be a metaphor), and yet its comics that keep dragging me back.

This time it's Marvel, and for a company that writes comic books, and therefore should understand the power of language, they are incredibly insulting in what words they use in their press releases.

For example, see this. Karen Healey already addressed this at her column Girls Read Comics (And they're pissed), so I'm going to try not to repeat what she says here.

So this is the novel idea of Marvel selling things to women! Surely they are pioneers in marketing!

From the very first sentence I knew I was going to have put on my brick holster: "The consumer products team at Marvel is thinking big when it comes to females."

First of all, what the hell, Marvel? Females? Really? You never refer to men as males, and, in fact, later in the article you say "guys."

It makes it sound like women are some sort of wild creature that you encounter on the Discovery Channel. "Here we have found the wily and elusive 'female.' We come bearing these gifts of stereotypical feminine products for her. Let's see if she accepts them."

(Of course, I should probably be thankful that Marvel hasn't referred to women in general as "girls," which has the purpose of infantilizing women and marking them as weaker. For example how many superheroes can you name off the top of your head that end in -girl? I have Supergirl, Power Girl, Wonder Girl, Bat Girl. How many superheroes can you name that ends in -boy? I have Power Boy. I suppose the argument could be made for Aqualad, but that's it. Amazing, isn't?)

Healey points out that, in contrast to using "men" and "guys" the term "females" is dehumanizing, and has the effect of making women in general less desirable than men when it comes to Marvel's target audience.

Which leads me to this fun little paragraph: "Since our core customer has always been guys, we need to be very careful when we introduce female product so that we don't alienate our core," said Paul Gitter, president of consumer products, North America, for Marvel Entertainment Inc. "What we have found through testing is that we haven't alienated them, which gives us the OK to move forward with female product."

First of all Gitter, please stop saying "female product" like you're trying to sell superhero themed tampons. Second of all...okay, I'm trying to make a coherent argument here without descending into profanity, which is difficult, so I will refrain from my initial response, which had to do with a term about procreation.

I cannot speak to the purpose or reasoning behind Gitter's words, but can only analyze the statement. This statement makes it very clear that their core consumers (which, for the record, I don't agree with), happen to male, I mean, guys, who are much more desirable than women. Marvel would love to make more money, and hey, women--I'm sorry, females--have income just like real people, so Marvel is seeking to exploit that.

However, god forbid they try to make any of their products more women--oops! I meant female--friendly because that may make the guys uncomfortable. And despite the fact these things are exclusively made for women, the opinions of males--damnit, I meant guys--are much more important.

And now let's look at the products themselves, shall we? Everything we have here are, like I said before, really stereotypically girly. We have lip gloss, broken heart pendents (although I think someone didn't quite think through the Spiderman/Goblin one), jewelry and "fashion tops."

From what I can see, all of these female products operate under the assumption that females love superheroes, but don't want to be them. For example, the shirt accompanying the article has the image of chibi-fied (because everyone knows females only love Japanese manga style art and a low vee neck so you can get that all important cleavage shot) males Avengers (forget about the Wasp or Ms. Marvel or the Scarlet Witch) playing rock music. Because women, or females, don't appreciate female superheroes rocking out.

To Marvel it's quite simple: females love superheroes, but they don't identify them or even imagine themselves in that role. After all, who wants to be Invisible Woman, or Ms Marvel, or She-Hulk, or Storm, or Spider Woman, or Kitty Pryde, or Faiza when instead females can have crushes on Captain America, Ironman, Hulk, Thor, or Spiderman? Women--girls-- damnit females are only interested in the romance between superheroes and women, and do not in any way want strong women superheroes who kick ass.

No, females want pretty shiny jewelry and lip gloss, because girls just want to look pretty and don't identify with superheroes. Obviously.

I think I have to echo Healey here and say I am sick and tired of this sexist, gender-specific marketing shit. Our culture has clearly divided consumer products into what's for men and what's for women, or females in this case, and despite evidence to the contrary, companies adhere strictly to this gender division, which means girls don't read comics.

While in the past comics were intended strictly for men, it isn't true anymore. Women--females--are large consumers too, although neither DC or Marvel wants to acknowledge that. I have had this conversation numerous times with Darcy and it comes down to this: Do Marvel and DC just hate money?

From a purely economic standpoint, this ridiculous stance that only men read comics doesn't make sense. By listening to critics, both male and female, about the sexism inherent in comics-- such as the T&A, poor characterization of women, the assault of female characters, etc.--and acting upon it, the companies will sell more of their titles to women and thus make more money. And yet they won't, and instead we get this "female product."

So well done, Marvel, in announcing you decided to market to women in the most insulting way possible. Females, huh? When will we learn that comics aren't for us, but instead for the guys? I suppose I should just be happy you even deigned to notice us.

So, no, Marvel, I won't be buying your female product. And for the record, I'm a woman, not one of your faceless females, and I refuse to be placated with these products and I will refuse to be silent about it.

Bits and Pieces Friday

This a hodgepodge post I threw together of random, unrelated bits that don't quite deserve a post of their very own. Well, that and I am a lazy person, who is becoming ill and I don't have the energy to come up with anything original/insightful/humorous/adjective goes here on my own.

Battlestar Galactica finale: Yes, I realize it premiered two weeks ago but I am again a) lazy; b) swamped with work for grad school; c) really, cripplingly lazy.

There are going to be spoilers in this section, so if you haven't seen the episode yet then scroll on down where I ramble about comics for a while.

I didn't hate the episode, but the last half hour was a giant pile of what the fucking fuck? Seriously, Ron Moore and David Eick, what the hell? I understand that you're trying to be all edgy and dynamic, but having the surviving humans land on Earth and give rise to our modern civilization is, to put it lightly, not that original.

And let's not forget you reverted to the old stand by of "technology is evil! Let's all become farmers!" No, just no.

First of all, that is simplistic and an easy out. Second of all, the entire series, but especially the last half of season 4, was moving to all things hybrid: technology and the organic come together to make something new, but at the last minute you throw that all away for what exactly? A rehashing of some Luddite crap that all technology is scary and evil and will lead us to destruction? Science fiction and most of society has moved beyond that (well, the parts that aren't the Religious Right). And, again, such a goddamn cop-out.

And, I'm guessing, you guys didn't think through the getting rid of all technology thing, did you? Look, yes, while the colonists are capable of piloting aircraft that is not going to be helpful in them taking down animals for food or farming. They are going to have to befriend the homo sapiens because how else are they going to survive? They can't flint knap (which is difficult and requires skill. I know, I've tried and ended up bashing my finger about five different times), they don't know what plants are safe to eat or what's poisonous, and, oh, there are about elevenity hundred different predators that are more than capable of killing them.

Of course, let's not forget that there are viruses and diseases the colonists won't have any immunity to that will decimate their population, and vice versa for the homo sapiens. The two groups are going to have to interbreed to survive.

This brings me to my last point (promise!). The way Lee was talking about the homo sapiens, giving them the "best parts" of their culture smacked a lot of colonialism. That was the basis for imperialism and enslaving other races, so well done, show.

In conclusion, not dynamic or shocking or radical, but really, really, painfully stupid. And that's not even including Kara Thrace's Symbolic Pigeon of Destiny.

Next let's move on to comics!

So we all know Barry Allen is coming back, yes? I don't really care, to be honest. Barry was always the most interesting when he was dead, but these variant covers are some of the laziest that I have ever seen:

It's like the artist woke up hungover and realized that this was due. "Well," he thinks to himself as he desperately tries not to vomit what little remains in his stomach, "Barry Allen was the first Flash, right? So, I'll, um, have him suiting up! And it'll be all evocative because he was dead but now he's back to being a hero! Let's have him pulling on a boot, and I'll had this weird wing thing to it, because that looks cool. Hm, probably should add something else, right? I mean, this is a little boring. I know! I'll stick some lightening bolts in his eyes, because he's fast like lightening! Also, that's his motif, I guess. Sure, it sort of looks like he's crying lightening like some weird mutant emo kid, but I'm sure the color will fix that. Do I need a background? Nah, I'll just stick him against a black, existentialist void. That'll make the colors pop. Okay, that took, like ten minutes. I'm need to start my drinking." And fade out.

And here's the other cover:


So the next day our intrepid artist realizes he needed another cover! Oh noes! Bravely fighting back the bile brought on by a bottle of Absinthe at the local strip club, our artist thinks to himself, "Oh god, what else can I do? Ugh, is that my tongue? Why is it so fuzzy? Oh, right, cover. Well, I drew the other one with Barry facing front, so this one will be him in profile! Hm, I should try to make it a little different, I guess. Instead of this black, featureless, existential void I'll had lightening bolts! Lots and lots of them because he's the Flash and he's fast like lightening! God I'm clever. I wonder what liquor I have left in the freezer?" End scene.

Seriously, though, DC, way to not put effort into this. I love how DC feels the need to kill off other popular characters and bring back the ones no one misses. So according the rule in comics which states, the only characters who die and stay dead are Barry Allen, Jason Todd, and Uncle Ben. Well, one out of three isn't bad. Or, actually that's 33.3%, so nevermind (can you spot the Terry Pratchett joke?).

Hey, DC, if you're going to continue on the path of having no lasting effects ever in your comics, I demand you bring back Vibe! Sure he had weird vibrating powers that he activated through break dancing and he had a fake accent that at times was borderline racist, but hey, why the hell not? After all, Barry freaking Allen is back and doing whatever it is he does that I frankly don't care about. If you really had to bring back a Flash you couldn't pick Bart? At least he was cute and snuggable.

Still in the realm of comics we have this:

"Lex Luthor Bailout" with Jon Hamm from Jon Hamm

Dear Jon Hamm,

You rock and I am now totally committed to watching Mad Men. Also, you're adorable and I want to hug you in your poorly applied bald cap.

Love,

Me.

And there's these:

I need these shoes. I covet them. It doesn't even matter that I can't wear heels because I need these zombie heels LIKE BURNING. I am aware that doesn't make sense. That is the power of the zombie heels.

And finally I shall leave you with viking kittens.

Happy Friday!