God of Bad Life Decisions

I started replaying God War II again recently, because in unpacking I managed to unearth my PS2. And, yes, I am going to talk about a game that came out three years ago, because there's nothing I love more then to be topical.

The God of War franchise is pretty awesome, and I adore the games, because the entire point is to run around as a giant psychotically angry man and kill everything. Kratos is not even close to being a hero in this. At various points in the second game, you are required to kill Theseus, Perseus, and sacrifice two translators in the most brutal way possible while they beg for their life. Oh, and in the first game, if I remember correctly, you roast a man alive as he too begs for his life. Good times!

What's striking about this isn't the level of violence--this game is rated M for a reason--but the complete amorality of Kratos. In other games, you may find Kratos having to team up with the old Greek Heroes, or at least expressing remorse over their deaths. But not Kratos! The only thing he seems to regret is not being angry enough to go on yet another killing spree. It is, in its own twisted way, rather refreshing to have a character free of angst and woe and morals just go murder a bunch of people. Kratos doesn't even qualify as a anti-hero. He's just a big, angry brick of meat.

What I find interesting about this series, and I don't know if the creators intentionally did this, but everything that happens to Kratos is his own damn fault. Through both games (and the tie-ins, which I haven't played so I can't talk about those), before every stupid decision that Kratos makes he gets ample warning of the consequences.

The event that kicks off the chain reaction is Kratos going to fight some barbarians. At this point, Kratos is well on his way to the angry shouting that will make up the rest of his interactions with other beings, but not quite as psychotically angry as he will be later. Everyone tells him he needs to back off his whole zeal for war--even his wife and child are all, "Kratos, honey, relax. Seriously, you're freaking us out." Instead of listening to these warnings, Kratos goes off, gets his ass handed to him, and makes the deal with Aries.

Then there was that priestess who told Kratos not to go into that temple, which he ignored, and he ends up killing his wife and child. Kratos, we got to work on your listening skills. This cues the entire events of the first game, but skip ahead to the beginning of the second, and we see that Kratos has still not learned to go to those anger management classes.

Kratos is the new God of War, and he's continuing his killing spree. Athena shows up and warns him if he doesn't calm down the gods will take certainly take his ass down. Kratos ignores her and he ends up getting his godly powers sucked away and then stabbed by Zeus' ridiculously large sword. Kratos, proving he is not the brightest meat brick around, acts surprised as Zeus' betrayal.

Really, Kratos? Seriously? The gods warned you like eighteen different times and even sent you a note on nice stationary about their plans:

Dear Kratos,

Calm down. Seriously. We know you're psychotically angry and all that, but cut this shit out. Remember what happened to Aries when he was destroying all those cities? That's right, we recruited you to kill his ass. What makes you think we won't do that to you?

Also, please cut down on the abuses you hurl at us. We're the ones who made you a god and we can bust your ass back down again. In conclusion, calm the fuck down and start going to those anger management classes we bought you.

Love,
The Gods

P.S. Did you RSVP for Persephone and Hades' barbecue? The priest needs to know how many cows to sacrifice for it.

And yet Kratos is still shocked when Zeus and the gods attempt to kill him. Dear god, Kratos, I think you may actually be dumber than the Prince of Whine.

Of course, everything that happened to Kratos may have been because of the Titans manipulating events so they can get their revenge on the gods. I really hope that is the case, because oh the delicious irony. Kratos is always spouting off about being the puppet for the gods and surprise! He's been used by the Titans all along.

Oh, Kratos, you really are a giant, stupid brick of meat.

Which brings me to my next point. I can no longer play GoW without thinking of this:




Because I have very little willpower and shame and am easily enabled (you know who you are) this happened:



My favorite part of this is the Titan, whose expression seems to say, "Oh shit, guys, did we think allying outselves with a socippathic crazy killer through?" No you did not, Titan who I don't know, no you did not.






And then it spiraled (more) out of control:





I'm done...okay, that's a lie.


Sung to the tune of the Spiderman theme song.



Now I really am done with my crappy macros. This also proves there is no situation that MST3K is not applicable to. None.

Now I only took quotes from episode 820 Space Mutiny, but all of you should go out and find other quotes from MST3K episodes and apply it to God of War because it will be hilarious. Go on, you know you want to. Roll FizzleBeef compels you!