Friday, October 07, 2011

A Shocking lack of Mandy Patinkin!

I've been felled by the plague of late, and watching a lot of "comfort movies" in my jammies. I was just watching the Princess Bride the other day and recalling all the warm fuzzies it's given me over the years. Imagine my delight when I stumble across this video today! (it looked something like this)

The cast of the Princess Bride, one of my favorite and most quoted movies of all time, reunited on Good Morning America this morning! And may I say LOOKING GOOD MR. ELWES! Also Buttercup! Guy what played Vizzini looks unchanged which is mystifying...Billy Crystal is ADORABLE as ever...the video is worth watching just for his story about Andre the Giant. Why no Mandy Patinkin!? Or Fred Savage? What could they possibly be doing? Anyway, prepare for an overwhelming urge to watch the Princess Bride in comfy pajamas!

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Who had to re-watch this clip six times in order to see anyone who isn't Cary "Speaks with a Real British Accent" Elwes? ( was me.)

If I ever saw Cary in the street I think I'd be more tempted to get him to quote Robin Hood Men in Tights..."Are you happy, darling?"...yeah...


So. This happened.

Just when I think Japan can't possibly produce anything more horrifying, I find this:

That's all I got. Why does this exist? WHY, JAPAN, WHY? ANSWER ME.

This is like the Arc of the Covenant and if you stare at it too long your face melts off.

Bonus, here is the exact conversation I had with my hetero lifemate when we saw this. (She's in bold, I'm italics)

Oh god...I would have actually made Dave Gibbons the bottom BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER I CAN'T UNSEE THAT NOW.

I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM THE BOTTOM TOO. Also, twenty bucks says Moore is a power bottom.



I feel like Alan Moore KNOWS what we just talked about.

Oh, he knows. We probably won't live through the night.

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Sunday, October 02, 2011

Wonder Woman needs a Wonder Bra

(Also titled Boobs Do Not Work That Way! BACK TO YOU!)

This is a thought that spun violently, like Darth Vader in a tie fighter, away from Wonder Woman's widely debated costume change this past summer

I'd like to take a moment to talk about boobs.

They're super popular, they're functional and they come in all shapes and sizes! Here's a super informative, super graphic wikipedia article! (NSFW) I'd like to draw particular attention to a specific passage:

There is considerable variation in the volume, shape, size and spacing of a woman's breasts.[9] They vary in size, density, shape, sag and position on a woman's chest, and their external appearance is not predictive of their internal anatomy or potential for nursing.

Fascinating! You learned something today!
But it would seem these facts do no apparently apply to Super Heroines.

There are at least four examples in the above who have given birth in some continuity and their junk is still in mint condition! Not cool! Ok, ok so this is sort of unfair, they are fictional, fantastic, regularly athletic specimens of woman-hood and probably shouldn't be held to realistic standards...but I'm gonna do it anyway! So there!

We women, here in reality land, go through a lot to make "the girls" stand up and face front. In fact there is a long a torturous history of strapping our bits into a multitude of sweaty medieval wire-framed monstrosities that both lift and separate. It's necessary, nobody thinks saggy boob looks good. (Support your ta-tas! It's good for your back! Here is some more helpful and informative reading material! Also NSFW.)

But I can probably find you lots of examples of fictional characters in general and female superheroes specifically whose often ample "ladies" seem to sit at attention without the assistance of anything more than sheer willpower.

Recent issues of Catwoman have made it vividly clear that Selena does in fact wear a bra under her leather catsuit. It is what appears to be a strapless frothy lace selection from a lingerie catalog,
but it's there. This at least proves her sweater kittens are being supported by something other than skintight leather and a prayer. But how, I ask you, can she then take off at a sprint up several flights of stairs and take flying leaps off of building and scaffolds and what-have-you without so much as a nip slip!? There aren't even straps on that thing! I have to readjust my own bra several times a day just sitting at a desk!

Boobs, as I'm sure you know, are not stationary objects. (At least, not real ones.) They are sacks of goo, just as susceptible to the laws of physics as everything else. No matter what their alignment, it seems that super-boobs are breaking the law.

I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. The act of running or jumping or fighting, especially for a woman with...assets, (and I speak from personal experience) can be painful unless you strap those puppies down. This is why sports bras exist.

I can almost give a pass to characters like Power Girl, (Can't talk about super-boobs without at least mentioning her.) I don't care how powerful she is, she shouldn't be able to stand up straight for more than ten minutes at a stretch, never-mind lift buses over her head! (Her back muscles are probably ridiculous looking.) But, she's super strong, so whatever. Her costume isn't that bad. It seems reasonably hardy and maybe has built in structure (and possibly industrial strength double-sided tape to prevent peeping) to support her ridiculous rack. I don't know and I doubt the people who designed her costume thought very hard about it.

But that's my beef! And so I say to thee, comic book creators, artists, writers, publishers, ALL of you! BOOBS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

I'll speak specifically on the costume design issues. I'm gonna use more DC examples because I'm more familiar with DC characters but here's the thing: Power Girl ain't where my problem is.