Thursday, December 15, 2011

Whatever Happened to Eden? Oh, it just tried to eat us.

I found Miss Darcy's Bug Pokemon theory so thrilling that I had to share Naughty Dog's latest "The Last of Us" game unveiling to petrify her even further. The game features a young woman and an older gentleman who try to survive in a post-apocalyptic world. Yes, it's another Zombie game my dears, however unlike previous Zombipocalypse endeavours, this one terrifies even my dusty little heart. The theory behind it's horrifying evolution is that there is a fungus that attacks insects, taking over their nervous system and causing them to act absurdly. It eventually began to transform mammals and the like.

 How could this be so terrifying, you may ask? It has been confirmed by National Geographic and various other media (BBC Planet Earth) that this fungus exists. It's name is Cordyceps.


If you'd rather not read the article, it boils down to this, the Cordyceps takes over the insects body, often resulting in their separation from the colony. The fungus then begins to slowly fill the innards of the insect and causes the creature to behave oddly as its muscles go to waste. It takes about nine days for the "zombification" to be complete. Nine days before a dying ant becomes completely zombified in which they will become a launching site for more spores to come.
"I want to be inside you" never applied quite so well before.

Now just imagine if you took that large Bug Pokemon, Miss D? And Zombified it? Should we stop there? There are spotted horse flies that can burrow under the skin and deposit their larva inside living flesh in the southern states of North America. Perhaps, if they were contaminated with this fungus and they burrowed, then what might happen? Oh dear, I hope you all have night terrors this evening.
Honestly, it's only a matter of time before we're all spore heads walking around like the living dead with our Overlord, Hades and his barrage of horrible laughs.

"I'm comin' and who's a fungi? eh? c'mon? Nothing?"

I thought I'd be ready for a Zombiepocalpyse, but if they're covered in fungus, I'll douse myself in petrol and light one. K Thanks.

Straight to Hell, lads. - Rook

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I'll make this brief, but I had to share

So, recently the nightmare fodder above, dubbed the Giant Weta, was discovered in the wilds of New Zealand by horrible, creepy people who think bugs are cool. This particular one is their overlord, the greatest of the giant weta, (which if she breeds, will lead to only gianter-weta...good luck sleeping on that thought.)

I, upon seeing this image and being a girl-nerd, had two immediate and distinct reactions.

The first, the stronger, the girl reaction:


The second reaction, the nerd reaction, was slightly more embarrassing:


also, as an afterthought: Man! Bug Pokemon suck!

That is all.
Don't Judge Me

Friday, November 04, 2011

How could I resist? HINT: I couldn't (part 1)

So you may remember that a couple years ago I did a four part review of the book Off World by Stephanie Vaughan (spoiler: it was awful). You may remember that I didn't like. At all. Also, I drank a lot. It was not a good book for my liver.

Anyway, I may have mentioned at the end of the review/drunken sobbing that there was a sequel and that I would read and review it if someone paid me to. Well, no one did, but my friend, who apparently loves watching me rage and/or get drunk, bought me a copy of that book. Since I did not give Stephanie Vaughan my money, I get to review it (or, more likely, bitterly snark about it).

The book is Off World 2: Sanctuary, and is less a sequel and more a second book in the series. And it's surprisingly not horrible. I know, I know, I'm shocked too. Don't get me wrong, it's not even close to being a great book, much less a good one, but it is light years better than the first one, mainly because the main characters are actually likable and Zombie Vaughan doesn't really attempt a plot, which, let's be honest, she is awful at.

So basically, this review is probably going to follow the format of the first, in which I take it chapter by chapter, not because it is a train wreck of epic proportions, but because I like to go in depth when I mock things. Also, since I have the book on my nook, I will be including the notes I wrote instead of any text messages. Oh, and if anyone is wondering why I refer to Stephanie Vaughan as Zombie Vaughan, it's because in the first book she foreshadowed a frankly ridiculous plot development that I said if she went through with she would be dead to me. She did and so she is still dead to me. Now, let's get started.

To recap the first book: there was an incomprehensible plot, heroes were horrible human beings, and there was a lot of gay sex. The end.

That's not enough? Fine. So the background you need for this book is that Caleb, formerly Our Dear Fucking Hero, went chasing after and meeting up with Sarhaan and his group of eugenically engineered soldiers, half of who are implausibly gay. Sarhaan and his merry band of soldiers zombie Vaughan doesn't bother giving names and/or personalities to, stole the ship Vigilante and fled Republic/an Earth (which may or may not be a planet wide government), where being homosexual (which in the context of the book is only men, as lesbians are never mentioned ever) is punishable by death. Sarhaan and the others were being framed for the murder of several prostitutes for reasons never made clear, and Caleb's dead fag hag, Daphne, was murdered as she investigated, prompting him to ditch earth for the failgenes soldiers.

Sarhaan and Caleb fuck a lot and fall in love, and frankly two people as horrible as them deserve each other. Along the way we meet D'abu, the only useful person in the entire book, and Alex, who solved the "plot" because he overheard a conversation when he worked as a prostitute at Earthly Pleasures, where he met Sarhaan and the implausibly named Xai Kuwicha, Sarhaan's second in command. This is their story (chun chun).

Artist Ally: Fluffy Muffinface

Or maybe I'll call it Fan Art Friday? I dunno. either way I'm thinking of making this a regular feature (if anything so I don't have a valid "can't think of anything to write" excuse not to post.) I'll post an artist, link you to thier website or deviant art site or whatever and then rant at length about why I chose them or why they're awesome...or nothing at all. I AM THE DECIDER. I'll also feature a peice that especially speaks to me. I invite my fellow author-ess's to run with this idea as well! I'll try to stick to a geeky theme, but I can't promise to remember that! So here goes!

My First Annual Artist Ally selection is inspired by the fact that my boyfriend and I are both binging on Star Trek episodes. (Probably more than the legal limit, but in my defense I'm watching the original series and the NextGen eps...he's watching Voyager and DS9. Clearly I'm consuming quality and he is snarfing down the sci-fi television equivalent of a Twinkie. Neither one of us will sink to the depths of Enterprise...despite the cloying call of all that is Bakula.)

This fantastic artist, (who's live journal is here, and whose deviant art page is here) goes by the name Fluffy Muffinface (or...Jemma). Also went through a marathon run of Star Trek tOS episodes, and this hysterical series of web-comics were her response to all that ridiculous-ness. Obviously you will have to have seen the referenced episode to truly appreciate these, but the whole damn series is streaming on the Netflix so what's your excuse now HMMM!?

-ahem- I'll post a few here, but you can see them all at this link! (Don't miss expanding each of the posts for more comics!) Please to Enjoy.

Friday, October 07, 2011

A Shocking lack of Mandy Patinkin!

I've been felled by the plague of late, and watching a lot of "comfort movies" in my jammies. I was just watching the Princess Bride the other day and recalling all the warm fuzzies it's given me over the years. Imagine my delight when I stumble across this video today! (it looked something like this)

The cast of the Princess Bride, one of my favorite and most quoted movies of all time, reunited on Good Morning America this morning! And may I say LOOKING GOOD MR. ELWES! Also Buttercup! Guy what played Vizzini looks unchanged which is mystifying...Billy Crystal is ADORABLE as ever...the video is worth watching just for his story about Andre the Giant. Why no Mandy Patinkin!? Or Fred Savage? What could they possibly be doing? Anyway, prepare for an overwhelming urge to watch the Princess Bride in comfy pajamas!

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Who had to re-watch this clip six times in order to see anyone who isn't Cary "Speaks with a Real British Accent" Elwes? ( was me.)

If I ever saw Cary in the street I think I'd be more tempted to get him to quote Robin Hood Men in Tights..."Are you happy, darling?"...yeah...


So. This happened.

Just when I think Japan can't possibly produce anything more horrifying, I find this:

That's all I got. Why does this exist? WHY, JAPAN, WHY? ANSWER ME.

This is like the Arc of the Covenant and if you stare at it too long your face melts off.

Bonus, here is the exact conversation I had with my hetero lifemate when we saw this. (She's in bold, I'm italics)

Oh god...I would have actually made Dave Gibbons the bottom BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER I CAN'T UNSEE THAT NOW.

I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM THE BOTTOM TOO. Also, twenty bucks says Moore is a power bottom.



I feel like Alan Moore KNOWS what we just talked about.

Oh, he knows. We probably won't live through the night.

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Sunday, October 02, 2011

Wonder Woman needs a Wonder Bra

(Also titled Boobs Do Not Work That Way! BACK TO YOU!)

This is a thought that spun violently, like Darth Vader in a tie fighter, away from Wonder Woman's widely debated costume change this past summer

I'd like to take a moment to talk about boobs.

They're super popular, they're functional and they come in all shapes and sizes! Here's a super informative, super graphic wikipedia article! (NSFW) I'd like to draw particular attention to a specific passage:

There is considerable variation in the volume, shape, size and spacing of a woman's breasts.[9] They vary in size, density, shape, sag and position on a woman's chest, and their external appearance is not predictive of their internal anatomy or potential for nursing.

Fascinating! You learned something today!
But it would seem these facts do no apparently apply to Super Heroines.

There are at least four examples in the above who have given birth in some continuity and their junk is still in mint condition! Not cool! Ok, ok so this is sort of unfair, they are fictional, fantastic, regularly athletic specimens of woman-hood and probably shouldn't be held to realistic standards...but I'm gonna do it anyway! So there!

We women, here in reality land, go through a lot to make "the girls" stand up and face front. In fact there is a long a torturous history of strapping our bits into a multitude of sweaty medieval wire-framed monstrosities that both lift and separate. It's necessary, nobody thinks saggy boob looks good. (Support your ta-tas! It's good for your back! Here is some more helpful and informative reading material! Also NSFW.)

But I can probably find you lots of examples of fictional characters in general and female superheroes specifically whose often ample "ladies" seem to sit at attention without the assistance of anything more than sheer willpower.

Recent issues of Catwoman have made it vividly clear that Selena does in fact wear a bra under her leather catsuit. It is what appears to be a strapless frothy lace selection from a lingerie catalog,
but it's there. This at least proves her sweater kittens are being supported by something other than skintight leather and a prayer. But how, I ask you, can she then take off at a sprint up several flights of stairs and take flying leaps off of building and scaffolds and what-have-you without so much as a nip slip!? There aren't even straps on that thing! I have to readjust my own bra several times a day just sitting at a desk!

Boobs, as I'm sure you know, are not stationary objects. (At least, not real ones.) They are sacks of goo, just as susceptible to the laws of physics as everything else. No matter what their alignment, it seems that super-boobs are breaking the law.

I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. The act of running or jumping or fighting, especially for a woman with...assets, (and I speak from personal experience) can be painful unless you strap those puppies down. This is why sports bras exist.

I can almost give a pass to characters like Power Girl, (Can't talk about super-boobs without at least mentioning her.) I don't care how powerful she is, she shouldn't be able to stand up straight for more than ten minutes at a stretch, never-mind lift buses over her head! (Her back muscles are probably ridiculous looking.) But, she's super strong, so whatever. Her costume isn't that bad. It seems reasonably hardy and maybe has built in structure (and possibly industrial strength double-sided tape to prevent peeping) to support her ridiculous rack. I don't know and I doubt the people who designed her costume thought very hard about it.

But that's my beef! And so I say to thee, comic book creators, artists, writers, publishers, ALL of you! BOOBS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

I'll speak specifically on the costume design issues. I'm gonna use more DC examples because I'm more familiar with DC characters but here's the thing: Power Girl ain't where my problem is.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Jayne finds another book to feel smugly superior to

Hey, remember back in June I was going to do a book log once a week and then did one and then turned into a hermit never to be heard from again? Yeah, good times. I have emerged from my hermitude to do my favorite thing in the world: mock the hell out of something. Awhile ago I got a couple of gift cards to Borders. I picked up several books, some good, and others the literary equivalent to a bag of potato chips: contains no redeeming nutritional value but it's tasty and fills a craving. The potato chip book this time around was Doppelgangster by Laura Resnick.
As you can tell by the cover, this is one of those paint by the numbers urban fantasy books: cis white woman in skimpy dress holding a weapon while arching her impeccably plucked eyebrows to look menacing. By this we can deduce she is a Strong Female Character.

By now you should know that I love strong female characters--I hunger for them--but Strong Female Characters not so much. Having a female lead, either as protagonist or antagonist, who is fully developed and has flaws and ambitions and drive like a real live person is still relatively rare. What we get instead is the Strong Female Character, who is overwhelmingly a white, cis-gendered, thin woman, wearing revealing outfits--short dresses or skirts or sleeveless tops baring their midriff, maybe a tattoo or two, all the while giving bedroom eyes to the reader--who are two-dimensional, lazy cardboard cutouts that kick ass, because she is STRONG, because, you know, women can't be strong in other ways, like emotionally because that's icky girl stuff and no one wants that. Again, I enjoy seeing women kicking ass, but having them beat up men is lazy GRRRL POWER appropriation of feminism and limits them to caricatures.