Saturday, February 28, 2009
Arcade mode, as usual, only has a flimsy story for you to follow, but this series has never really been about in-depth plot so I don't really see this as a loss. There are some cool anime-style cinemas that string you along as you kick butt from country to country. The backgrounds are sooooo shiny! I can't get over how great this game looks. The characters are sort of cell-shaded, and the shadows and lighting that grace them as they move through the environments give them a lot of depth.
Darci and I decided to play the only character we ever play, Chun Li, but I did give some of the other characters a shot as well. Chun Li still has her trademark spinning bird kick and fabulously huge thunder thighs. Ultra-Meter moves are different for every character but if you can work up a combo using your full meter you can completely obliterate your opponent. Characters like El Fuerte are SUPER FAST, and when you face them on higher difficulties in arcade mode they can hand you your butt with their Ultra-Meter combos. Even on normal difficulty this game is quite challenging the first time through, so if you're looking for a fighting game to give you a hard time, crank that difficulty level up and resist the urge to chuck your controller into a wall when you get pwnd.
Oh, and if you don't own two controllers... get a second, or you'll be sad.
If you have XBOX Live you can challenge others (and vice versa) while playing through arcade mode. Hooray multi-player!
So get out there and kick some ass!
Lady Lara Jones
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Some of the photos are really striking, like Daniel Craig, who looked like he'd been crying for hours, and William Dafoe, who looked pretty damn wrecked.
That's now how crying works, Robert Downey, Jr. Also, were you trying for thirteen year old girl? Good god, you look like your crush totally dumped you in front of your friends and oh god, why can't he see that you two are just meant to be together? Good thing you have that swooning couch. Just lay down, perfectly posed to let all viewers know of the abject tragedy of your life and listen to Evanescence. They'll all be sorry one day. You'll show them. You are smart and beautiful and THEY'LL BE SORRY.
Robert Downey Jr. is the poutiest princess in all the land. I sort of want to pet him.
ETA: Thanks to Liz for reminding me who was the manliest crying-est man of them all:
I think RDJ might have competition on who is the poutiest princess in all the land. Catfight!
Want more crying men? Go here.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
(thanks to Danicus for showing me this!)
I have always been a fan of simplicity. (It's probably derived from my base character concept: laziness.) I don't like having to think too much, at least not when it comes to comic continuity. It is widely acknowledged by the people who acknowledge such things that keeping up with the X-Men continuity these days is like nailing jell-o to a tree. That's probably why, when I read about Mr. Claremont's nostalgia sponging idea, I spontaneously squeed myself.
Ah, for the simpler times. 1991: an up and coming wunderkind artist by the name of Jim Lee is getting his showcase in a little relaunched baby title called simply X-Men with Chris Claremont the man who is responsible for some of the the most famous story arcs in the history of the X-Men franchise (Dark Pheonix Saga, Days of Future Past, God Loves, Man Kills) at the writing helm.
Then a few issues in, the wonder team wanders off, Jim Lee for his creator owned Wildstorm titles, Claremont for the wilds of other projects, and the downward spiral begins.
But now, in a stroke of mad-brilliance, Chris is picking up right where he left off, sadly, sans Lee (art is being done by Tom Gummet with a slightly third generation Kubert-esque style that's growing on me, even though I've never heard of the guy)
Now where, in the scope of crazy-straw continuity does that leave us?
Imagine if you will:
The team is still split into two, the Blue and Gold teams, lead by Cyclops and Storm (yay! Women in Leadership! Cyclops too cause he's a giant puss.) and most of the world still thinks they are dead! So much could be done with that!
Jean Grey, while still an emotional basket-case, is alive and not married to Scott! She has not yet settled firmly into her Pheonix persona, and has only died once. The potential is limitless.
The Beast is still semi-human looking; he does not at all resemble the mutant love child of Grover and Mufasa!
Storm is still a knife-fight-having-former-African-goddess-in-a-costume-that-isn't-awful-looking-badass! She isn't married to the Black Panther, (though I think that's kinda cool in a pandering sort of way.) and she is still suffering from the occasional psychotic violent claustrophobia induced episode that causes her to lay waste to shit for miles around. That's exciting!
ROGUE STILL HAS HER POWERS, they are out of control, she still can't be with her one true Cajun love machine, Gambit. Big hair and a southern-drawl, the way Rogue SHOULD be! Roll out the drama machine!
Wolverine!!! No bone claws, no memory of his past, still rockin' the tan and brown suit, still emo about Mariko and Jean Grey, still a furry little Canadian BADASS MOFO. The Wolverine that everyone I know loves and remembers.
Gambit: Still a Badass! (Though to be fair he never really stopped being a badass, but he's still a mysterious badass!)
I could go on, but as the laziness fairy reminds me, it would be super nerdy, obscure references and a waste of the readers time. This article goes into the exact state of the Marvel Universe in 1991 with a lot more depth than I have the patience to. (So read it!)
Chris Claremont is a great writer, whose strength lies in group and character stories, not to mention his extreme familiarity with the subject. I can't contain my excitement to read this, my first foray into the Marvel Universe since the late 90's that wasn't basic shelf browsing. If you are so inclined you should go pick up pretty much everything he's ever written cause chances are you'll enjoy it!
Monday, February 23, 2009
I had a couple of posts planned--a review of the new Prince of Persia game, book reviews, and maybe a thinky post on Dollhouse--but then I found out that Alan Moore did another interview, and his delicious bitter flavored crazy is like candy to me. Soul and tooth enamel destroying candy. And this means I get to share it all with you!
I don't know about you folks, but I for one welcome our new bearded overlord.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The list of my comfort books start off with the not really embarrassing at all and ends with the books that probably should never have been written by human kind, much less be read by anyone who has even a passing acquaintance with the English language. And yet I love them, even though they destroy precious, precious brain cells.
Adams himself said he always planned a sixth book,because fifth was an odd number to stop on, and because Mostly Harmless is pretty damn dark. Adams also started a third Dirk Gently book, and the first couple of chapters, the only ones he'd written before he died, are in Salmon of Doubt, and it's such a sad, depressing tease to know that's all we're going to get.
Now, I haven't read Colfer, so I can't comment on how good of a job he'll do. Colfer said there is a lot more pressure to get this right then with any of his own books, and I don't envy his position. Not only does Adams have a deceptively difficult tone and style to copy, but no matter how amazing and brilliant And Another Thing might be, Colfer is going to take a lot of crap from die hard fans, who won't be happy unless zombie Douglas Adams himself came back to write it (I would totally be okay with zombie Adams eating my brains if it meant I got another Hitchhikers book).
The Last Continent by Terry Pratchett. I started reading the Discworld series the same year that I discovered Adams, so it was sort of like my geek coming out.
I love the Discworld novels and Pratchett (who has a rare form of Alzheimers because god hates geeks), and I can't explain why this is my favorite. It's not just Rincewind and the Luggage and the faculty of Unseen University, and the skewing of Australia and the cameo by Death (who might be my favorite of all Discworld character, even though Reaper Man is not my favorite Discworld novel), but I love this book so much. I read it at least once a year, and has gone everywhere with me, even to London where I got it signed by Terry Pratchett himself. He made fun of the "manky American" cover (as seen on the left) and the fact the spine is cracking and peeling, but Terry Pratchett signed my book. The emphasis is very much needed. Also, his voice was higher pitched than I thought it would be.
Beyond all the others, I think The Last Continent is very much my blanky in book form. I know what all the jokes are, about the god of evolution, and the people Rincewind will meet, and about the kangaroos and the why the platypus is (not why it is anything, just is), and it still delights me every time. If it were physically possible for me to cuddle all the characters in this book I would. I would also cuddle Terry Pratchett if it wouldn't end in me being arrested.
Coraline by Neil Gaiman. I got to go to a reading and signing by Neil Gaiman, which was as awesome as you think it would be, which has nothing to do with anything other than to mention that I didn't bring Good Omens with me and I missed an opportunity to have both Pratchett and Gaiman sign it, which is heartbreaking because they leave little jokes to each other.
Sweet dreams, Haley! I'll be in the next room, so try to keep your terrified screams down to a minimum.
And this is when I give up any pretense of having good taste. Darcy, pay attention. I'm giving you ammo for years to come.
Yes, this is the cover of the fourth book. I guess that's Seregil apparently waiting for Alec to fellate him.
The entire premise of the fourth book is that they're captured and kept as slaves and some alchemist forms a magical baby from Alec's blood, and it can heal people and bring them back to life and it is ridiculous. And yet I love it. It's sort of like eating an entire box of chocolates, and you hate yourself for it, but at the time it is delicious even if it will eventually kill you.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Since it is my job to attempt to report as much awesome from Japan as humanly possible, I feel the responsibility of explaining some things also falls onto my shoulders. The following is an explanation of Japanese animation, or Anime, for the total beginner:
First off: Anime is awesome. No matter what you have heard or thought about the crazy stereotypes surrounding anime, there is probably one out there that you would really enjoy. Anime (like film as a whole) spans all genres and styles. There are many varieties that appeal to different people, and sometimes you will like a genre that is slightly outside your normal film preferences. You should also note before reading the entirety of this post that I love anime...a lot... I've been watching since I was eight years old and it was the reason I learned about Japanese culture in high school. When I was an undergraduate in college I studied abroad in Tokyo and wrote my senior thesis in anthropology on cosplay culture (dressing up like anime, video game, and manga characters, among other pop culture icons). Just thought you should know that before you continued on...
The Japanese started making animated films in the early 1900's, shortly after cartoons from America started flowing in. Today it has grown into a huge market that is drawing almost 1/3 of its profits from international sales (primarily Australia, Canada, and the US). So what does all this fancy factoid-stuff mean? WELL, it means that there is a TON of Anime out there. It unfortunately also means there is a LOT OF CRAP and now you actually have to be careful about what you buy or you could end up with a series that is total, epic, failure. In my personal opinion the worst of these epic-fails are the ones designed with the American audience in mind. The more they attempt to cater to us, the more anime loses it's awesomely unique-Japanese flavour.
Some of the best aspects of Japanese animation are directly influenced by the cultural phenomenon at work in Japanese society today (and from the past as well). Since I got my degree in Anthropology I can back this up AT GREAT LENGTH but don't feel like making you read a book right now so if you're interested just drop me an email and I can talk your ear off for a day or two. For now I will just list some basic influences that I feel are neat.
1. Shinto Mythology or Buddhist Mythology: warriors, spirits, magic, and fun stuff that often also comes with a moral or message. Inuyasha, Air, Princess Mononoke (yay for cute little kodama forest spirits!), My Neighbor Totoro, etc... (if we're going to talk about anything that mentions religious mythology then the list is pages and pages long).
- Kodama from Mononoke -
2. Technology: especially when it goes wrong, betrays everyone, and tries to take over the world. Ghost in the Shell, Macross Plus, Gundam, etc.
3. Students and School: the Japanese have to attend A LOT of school throughout their lives and the pressure to succeed in a densely populated nation makes for some serious stress and drama (and some good comedies/parodies, too!).
Now, with all that out of the way, there are two basic categories that many followers attempt to separate series and movies into. These categories are Shonen and Shojou. Please keep in mind that these genres are not perfect, and of course there are many exceptions to them (and series that will never fit in either no matter how hard you try to make them).
Shonen is primarily intended for a male audience, but really in my opinion it's for the action seekers. It often has really intense action or sports related scenes; themes of honor, heroism, determination, and teamwork, and male protagonists who have to overcome some serious problem or save the world. Female characters in these series are almost always depicted with unrealistic, barbie-like, hourglass figures, and often wear skimpy outfits that barely hold in "the jiggle." The most popular examples of shonen are Dragon Ball Z (though I will admit to you I am not really a fan of the Dragon Ball series), Naruto, Bleach, Ichigo 100%, Full Metal Alchemist, Pokemon, One Piece, The Prince of Tennis, etc. etc. etc.
- Fullmetal Alchemist -
Shojo (or Shojou, depending on who you talk to) is primarily intended for female audiences, and admittedly not a whole lot of guys like shojou anime. They often focus on relationships, female protagonists who are hopelessly in love but can't seem to catch a break, and very beautiful men and women who glitter with shiny-ness. Sometimes the plot revolves around a gender-bending romance (and by this I mean some serious questioning of your definition of gender roles). Also, outfits in these series are designed for the fashionable-female eye. They are often extravagant and elaborate. Good Shojou examples include: Air, Fruits Basket, Fushigi Yuugi, Sailor Moon, Escaflowne , etc. etc. etc.
- Fushigi Yuugi -
Anime that don't fit one category...the following are anime that I HIGHLY recommend that don't really fit one category or the other. If you're new to anime these are a great place to start.
Cowboy Beebop: This series, I would argue, is responsible for making anime as popular as it is today in America. When it ran on adult swim it gained a massive following, and is one of the greatest series out there. The story is one of a futuristic, sci-fi, western with a splash of crazy and a seriously awesome soundtrack to boot(and if you love Firefly and Serenity I'd like you to seriously take a look at this anime because I think Joss Whedon might have been a Bebop fan).
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind: Of all of Hiyao Miyazaki's films, this one is my favorite by leaps and bounds. It's a film about a planet that once had a huge war take place upon it (which is continually alluded to as a nuclear war) and now has a toxic jungle spread across it. The people who are left belong to either the Luddite village groups or the technology group that is attempting to regain weapons of the lost world and control the remaining habitable lands. The heroine of the story, Nausicaa, is absolutely amazing, and the ending of this film actually brought me to tears. Miyazaki is just that good at writing stories.
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimiya: This series has it all: a time traveler, an alien, an esper, a girl who can control time and space by making wishes, a boy who has absolutely no idea what he is going to do with his life but continues to ride the insanity anyways. All I can say is every episode is different, and sometimes you forget what the point of all the madness is, but once you watch an episode I guarantee you'll be hooked into Haruhi's world.
Samurai Champloo: the story of two wandering swordsman in ancient Japan set to a hip hop soundtrack and containing some serious action sequences. The plot is deeper than it sounds and I was pleasantly surprised by how good this series really is.
Gundam Wing and Fullmetal Panic: both are mecha anime that kick some serious butt. Gundam Wing has an amazing political intrigue-based plot and Fullmetal Panic is about a soldier learning to be a typical high school student and protecting a girl named Kaname while still also being a soldier for the organization MYTHRIL. Both also contain some entertaining mecha technology and fight scenes, which make the series 9 levels of awesome.
Blood, Blood, and More Blood: If you just want anime to creep you out, confuse you, and/or altogether disturb the hell out of you, I recommend the following:
Akira: Yeah. It's disturbing, but it's also a masterpiece. Psychic beings who have too much power, a really fast motorcycle, and lots of death in post-nuclear, apocalyptic Tokyo. Go for it. I dare you.
Ninja Scroll: This one has some serious violence in it. Swords + Blood = Ninja Scroll.
Neon Genesis Evangelion: The ending to this series will make you say, "Wait, WHAT?"
Death Note: it's just...strange...but also entertaining. What do you think would happen if you could kill people by writing their names in a notebook?
So there you have it! All the basics for you to start watching some anime. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go think about what anime I'm going to write about next. I'm planning on letting you all in on some more obscure anime that I think deserves more attention. There will also be a post at some point about art styles; advanced themes and influences; and anime that contain things that seem copy-pasted from somewhere else (remember what I said about Top Gun and Macross Plus? Yeah, that).
Signing out for now though...
- Lady Lara Jones -
References for authentic fact-checking lovingly taken from: "Anime Essentials: Everything a Fan Needs to Know" by Gilles Poitras
Like many geeks, I loved the first season. Besides some occasional ridiculously awful dialogue (which Darcy points out that since this is essentially comic book show you have to expect some comic-y dialogue), it had a strong season long arc, strong character arcs and characterization, and good acting (except from Milo Ventimiglia, who ACTS).
And there was season 2. Oh god, season 2. It brought us Hiro in Japan, Peter letting Caitlin be retconned in that dystopia future, Wes the creepy stalker, and the goddamn Wondertwins. Oh jesus, the Wondertwins. Although it did give us David Anders, which was one of the few bright spots.
But Tim Kring assured us he heard the complaints and was going to fix the show. His pants may have, in fact, been on fire when he said that. Volume Three: Villans had an interesting premise, such as exploring the gray area between good and evil, but it turned out to really be a volume of watching Sylar switch between eating brains and trying to be good about eighteen times, AND OMG SYLAR JUST PICK ONE. There was also Mohinder being retarded, the goddamn Wondertwin still hanging around, only the writers whored her up in addition to her being useless, Hiro became ten (which was adorable, but what was the point?), and at one low point there were two Milos on the screen where he tried to out act himself and I wanted to die. And then Nathan proved to have absolutely no will of his own and decided to pull an X-Men and have all the heroes imprisoned, which brings us to the next volume.
Look, I love Heroes (in an abusive kind of way), but it's never been without it's gender problems, but at least there were female characters getting decent amount of screen time, and at least they were relatively complex and not the sexy damsels in distress I usually have to put up with. Only at the end of this episode I realized that the show was down to essentially three female characters: Tracy, Claire, and Angela, and that's when the anger came in.
In the first season, Heroes had good diversity, especially compared to the rest of super white television, only as season 2 and volume three dragged on not only is that diversity starting to go, but so have the female characters (the majority which, Darcy pointed out, have been blonde. No! Bad Heroes! Not all women are blonde! Blonde is nto the epitome of sexiness! No cookie for you!).
Meredith: She bit it at the end of volume 3, supposedly a victim of her own power (but since she can't be burned by her own fire, she might have still been able to survive). Meredith was Claire's biological mother, and this season saw her given backstory and more chacterization and they killed her. I'm thinking it was nominally for "reducing the cast" to a more manageable level, but Meredith? Come on, she was awesome! Her relationship with not only Claire but with Noah and Sandra was complex and layered, and she would have been a great addition to this heroes on the run storyline.
Molly: Hey, were is Molly? Shuttled off to some place by Mohinder and never mentioned again. She had a brief cameo in that future episode, but has not been heard from since. What really bothers me about this is that Matt isn't concerned about her. Matt adopted her and he hasn't even thought to ask Mohinder where she might be? Or that maybe he should go get her? This poor girl has already lost two parents and now she's just been passed around.
As a geeky girl, most of my energy that isn’t devoted to going to a job I only tolerate because it funds my comic book/dvd/video game habits, is expended in devotion. I am a loyal fan girl. When I love a show or a franchise of any kind, I love with my whole heart. When they put out bad shows or stupid movies it literally breaks my heart.
Heroes is just one of my various and sundry fandoms but I'm hooked on it pretty hard. Though, after two seasons of heartbreak; of idiotic characters and bad plot, you’d think a girl would know enough to move on and leave an emotionally damaging relationship before it’s too late. (The show loves me, really! You just don’t understand our relationship! It doesn’t want to hurt me, it’s my fault really my expectations are too high!)
I will allow Jayne to rant at length about the show’s flaws, she's better at it than I am. I'm here to love my show, in honor of V-day (which was yesterday, shut it I'm gimmicking). That narrows down to these two.
Hiro Nakamura and Ando Masahashi. Best friends. Magnificent bastards.
I wish I had the space and the time to rave about everything that I love about Hiro Nakamura alone. My ridiculous love for him isn't as irrational as Jayne's love of Gaeta from BSG (A super immature, pure, funny, nerdy little geek boy with a hero complex that loves waffles? I'm pretty much convinced in my sad little mind that we are made for each other. Plus he's not gay OR crazypants) He had me at "YATTA!"Season one begins, a bromance en medias res. After finally accepting that Hiro has indeed developed the abilty to stop time and teleport, Ando spent most of his time dancing around behind Hiro in a sort of "I don't know about this, Tommy." role. (And if you catch that reference I will send you cookies cause not only is it vague, but it's pretty damn obscure.) That was fine. Hiro needed his buddy to support his mission, to save the cheerleader, to save the world. Ando was the voice of reason for the (adorably) excitable Hiro. Keeping him grounded on his heroes quest. Even going so far as to trying to fulfill Hiro's role in the events of Kirby Plaza when it looks like Hiro himself wouldn't go. After the ungrateful selfish blond waste of space was rescued and th equally ungrateful world saved, however, the super-Hiro/sidekick dynamic started to wear on Ando, who was obviously not used to sitting in the sidecar of their friendship. Hiro himself seems slightly oblivious to his friend's issues, but he's so damn cute so I can't bring myself to care about Ando...yet.
Season 2 separated them for a time, and I was treated to sexy samurai Hiro, but there wasn't much of a change in their bromance. Ando's feeling of being left behind and his resentment of being powerless in the face of yet another attack on the world grew a bit, but season 2 was a waste of everyones time apparently because the producers of the show seem to want us all to forget it ever happened by retconning out everything that occurred.
Screw season 2, that's where the pain is.
Season 3 starts out so well! The bromance is threatened by yet another glimpse into a horrible future where Ando is a Sith Lord who kills Hiro for a piece of the stupid formula! Tension!
What could've happened to turn the loyal Ando against Hiro?
Later, Ando of course is feeling kind of pissy cause Hiro said he didn't need him and there is an adorable scene where Ando refuses to speak to Hiro while they're both trying to break out of Level 5. But they make up cause that's what besties do. Then, Hiro is still kinda freaked out about Ando killing him in the future so there is still that hanging in the air when Hiro has to stab Ando in the chest with his sword to infiltrate a group of villains. This little incident takes place between two episodes so there was a period of time, though brief, where Hiro had crossed a character line that he couldn't come back from. Many discussions with the people I watch this show with (including Jayne) reaffirmed that despite the evidence of other people acting wildly out of character that season, Hiro would never ever kill anyone, especially Ando. Thats part of the purity of the characters and their relationship. There was absolutly no doubt that Ando was alive and that it was a trick. (And if we'd been wrong I'm sure I would have been leading a militia of people as we stormed the NBC studios with incindiary devices) Ando himelf understands having to be stabbed with a sword, cause that's what besties do. Also Hiro has the foresight to freeze time and prepare Ando with ketchup packets.
Oh then the cuteness just skyrockets!
Hiro and Ando go to Africa and suddenly, out of NOWHERE, Ando is visited by the sexy fairy.
Africa looks good on Ando. Oh my god. My cuddle lust for Hiro is suddenly threatened by my glomp lust for Ando. Tension! Or maybe that's just me...
Then there's an entire episode where Hiro thinks he's 10 and Ando takes him out for waffles and I may or may not have stopped breathing from glee at some point while that was going on.
Anyway! Season three starts to circle the drain cause the writers lose focus and Papa-Petrelli's being a super D-Bag but no one's decisions make any sense within their character and the moral gray areas we were exploring are all starting to resemble skid marks and cool characters that everyone really likes are being picked off one by one as they outlive their one-note usefulness.
Then Ando gets super-powers, Hiro, a victim of superdickery via Papa Petrelli, loses them and the season ends. Meanwhile I'm limping emotionally and insisting to everyone that I walked into a door, honest, I did this to myself. But hope prevails.
This season the whole hero/sidekick dynamic changes for my favorite characters and I try not to flinch noticeably as the show opens its arms wide for me once again.
I will end on this adorable note, a sign that the show doesn't take itself too seriously and maybe the beatings will stop.As Jayne has stated, check out reviews on Television Without Pity for professional snarky recaps of this and many popular shows.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Things to love about this: Barda carrying Mr. Miracle bridal style; Mr. Miracle's pointed toes; his wobbly smitten smile and the flower; Big Barda's half-lidded sexin' up eyes; the heart; oh, I don't know, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. This is so adorable it can take down a man at twenty yards.
Here's hoping your Valentine's Day was as awesome as Big Barda and Mr. Miracle's! (Well, before DC killed her off because they hate happiness)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Because she is an awesome friend and she loves me and enables me! And no, you can't have her. She's my hetero lifepartner!
And so, dear readers, I propose to you a challenge. Envision your favorite Watchmen moments as if all the characters were horrible man-koala upright hybrids. Tell me about Dr. Koalahatten and how he built a giant flying euclaptyus tree on Mars! Or how Koala Spectre and Nite Koala totally beat up those baby koala punks! Let's not forget Koala Veidt's Australian paradise in Antarctica! Rewrite passages for the koala, or take a hint from Liz and doodle up some new character designs. C'mon, you know you wanna.
And, let's face it, it's only a matter of time before Alan Moore comes after us, wielding the thunderbolts he looted from Zeus' beard mauled corpse, so we might as well give him a reason to slake his thirst on our life essence!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The linked article mostly explores some good movies with zombies in them, but I know there is more fun to be had in putting completly random zombie hordes in terrible movies. Awful ones, movies that until the zombies was previously unwatchable without lethal amounts of liquor being pumped by helpful friends directly into your bloodstream. And really, I find insterting zombies into most situations entertaining.
Babes in Toyland: I don't have a distinct memory of when I saw this movie, it probably fell under the liquor pumping category. Basic plot, the little girl version of Drew Barrymore hits her head and goes to place called Toyland where Keanu Reeves wants to marry the daughter of Mrs. Hubbard. A bad guy who lives in a bowling ball is trying to commit evil acts through real estate fraude, stealing Keanu's girl and SHUTTING DOWN THE COOKIE FACTORY!?(WTFBASTARD!?)
Enter zombies! They mow down the plushies-on-crack-esque denziens of Toyland including weirdly Asian Santa and the cookie hating asshole that lives in a bowling ball. Drew Barrymore is bitten (alas alack) and Keanu finds her devouring the innards of a giant toy soldier in her undead frenzy. As he prepares to dispatch her with a giant candy cane suddenly his zombified love interest pops out of the ruins of the cookie factory and tears him to shreds! I love happy endings!
Glitter: I haven't actually seen this movie, but I'm told it's the screaming infinity of awfulness. IMDB tells me it's a sorta-kinda-not-really-rising star story about Mariah Carey and i'm sure she's ultra whorey in it-moving on.
Enter zombies! the Nemesis from the second Resident Evil movie shows up moments after the credits are finished rolling and takes off Mariah Carey's head with one swipe, then slaughters merrily into the sunset (we only allow the credits to roll so that we know the names of the people to hold responsible) That's totally worth 10 bucks!
Howard the Duck: Duck tastes great! I'm almost jealous of the zombies who will kill and eat EVERYONE RESPONSIBLE for this movie! I'm looking at you George!
Battlefield Earth: Didn't see this movie either. Aliens invade the Earth...oops too late the zombies got there first! (ZOOOOMMBIEEESSS IIIIIIIIIIINN SSPPAAAAAAAACEE!!!!)
Catwoman: Halle Berry's RIDICULOUS SUPER PANDERING COSTUME (that was made of stupidity and greed woven into a fine cloth by Nicaraguan children using thier tears for thread!) is absolutly no protection against the hunger of the risen corpses of the fans of the character she murdered! MURDERED!
Batman & Robin: Zombies will have a little trouble getting through the rubber suits and some might be defeated by the giggles or spontaneous head-esploding when thier dead eyes gaze upon Bat-nipples. I however have faith that our undead heroes will carry the day. Arnold Schwarzenegger's girly screams for mercy will be one of the few things heard above my squeals of delighted laughter. The only instance I can think of that I would EVER wish harm upon the Batman.
I love comments! Leave some of your ideas for movies that would be greatly improved by the undead hordes down below!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
This is possibly the worse dialogue in the history of ever, and yet at the same time, it goes through complete and utter stupidity and comes out on the side of brilliance because, and I don't know about you, I could never come up with that in elevenity million years. Not even if my sole purpose of existence was to come up with the concept of haunted genitals, I would fail because your vagina is haunted? Really?
And then you think about it and it doesn't even make sense. If her vagina is haunted then how the hell is she supposed to get away from it? No place would be safe! Also, I hate this title for actually making me think about that.
This is unrelentingly stupid, but you have to respect it because you have to get out of here. Your vagina is haunted. Awe-freaking-some.
To read the entire hilarious recap, go here.
If you'll need me, I'll be over in the corner mourning for humanity, because your vagina is haunted.
That being said, here are some awesome games of 2008.
*Left 4 Dead (360): A fantastic addition to the list of zombie games where you can blow up an incredible amount of zombies. The best feature in this game is the online play where you can team up with three others and take to the streets. Another cool thing about this thriller is that every time you play the game the items change location. I must admit the game itself is a little on the short side but does have some significant replay value and is a TON of fun with friends. Also, the fact that car alarms attract hordes of zombies is a nifty little addition that I think should become canon zombie fact.
*Super Smash Brothers Brawl (Wii): It makes the list because I feel it's the best in the series, although I admit to you I don't feel as though it's the greatest fighting game ever made (or that they're going to be able to do too much more with this series). Personally I prefer the Dead or Alive series for the realistic fight styles (and I try to ignore the ridiculous boob-physics) and Soul Calibur because I've been playing that series since Soul Edge and it doesn't seem to get old to me. Still, Super Smash Bros. is a fantastic time in a group. HOWEVER, if you want to unlock things by your self, prepare for a some serious suffering. It takes forever to get all the s*it in this game by yourself. If you ever get the chance to play against me watch out for my Pikachu antics. I love to make people hate that adorable little electric devil-spawn.
*I was going to put up Grand Theft Auto IV (because I have to admit, it is really quite well-designed), but those games are getting repetitive to me so instead I've decided to put up No More Heroes (Wii): It's got some cheaply-ripped qualities of Grand Theft Auto IV in that you run around in a silly motorcycle around a much less impressive city, BUT it's the first time on the Wii you can actually swing your sword at dudes and make them suffer, AND one of the only Mature titles on the Wii worth anything at all. Note to players: the coconut game will make you sad because there is only so fast you can waddle carrying coconuts in your arms. lols.
*Dead Space (360): What's better than zombies on the streets of your city? Zombies in space, of course! Shoot, shoot some more, and when everything on the screen is dead maybe you can breathe for five seconds, and "Oh crap, wait, there's more!!!" (As a side note: some of the achievements for Live on this game are pretty tough).
*Little Big Planet (PS3): you design your own content, there are limitless possibilities, and it is truly a game that has actually proven to me that we can still make new and innovative games(wait, did I really just admit that? Oh noes! Don't let the masses know!). You can create and play and design all at the same time and that makes this game so ultra cool and shiny that I want to buy a PS3 just so I can dump hours into this game (plus my next choice on the list).
*Metal Gear Solid 4 (PS3): No, I don't care that you watch most of it. No, I don't care if the cinemas are longer than the game-play. This game is fricken amazing with a perfect ending to the Metal Gear series and I have never loved Snake more than I have in this game. Kojima is a genius and blu-ray is the only way to see this masterpiece played. I realize that this particular section seems incredibly biased but I don't care. Metal Gear Solid 4 = Epic Awesomeness. FYI: if you don't leave two hours of your time open to see the ending of this game you will be pissed at yourself as you sit through two hours of ending cinema. BELIEVE ME when I say that you will drop everything to watch this two hours of the game.
*Fable II (360): because I thought Fable I had soooo much potential and I'm soooo glad they decided to bring this back for a much more successful sequel. Fable II is not only what Fable I could have been, but they bring even a little bit more to the table with more innovative choices and character design, and some beautiful graphics to boot. The game can really suck you in even if you're not a hard-core RPG Player. What I like about Fable is that it appeals to a lot of different kinds of gamers without sucking...and yeah...that's hard to do.
*Rock Band 2 (360, Wii, PS3, PS2): Sooooo...addictive....so many songs to download....
Let's just say I have sunk an unreasonable amount of hours trying to become leet-sauce at the drums for Rock Band 2. Also, if you are a die-hard Guitar Hero fan, I seriously suggest you give Rock Band 2 a try, because World Tour REALLY didn't cut it in comparison this time. Seriously. I mean it. The drums on World Tour make me want to scream out in anger and the down strum breaks on one in five guitars for world tour (plus that slide bar thing goes AWOL pretty quick too). (Darci and I have a band called "The Geisha Girls" and I have to say we are kicking achievement butt).
*Mirror's Edge (360): It's a beautifully landscaped game in which you get to be a parcour expert and deliver time-sensitive information in a future where we need "runners." It is a little too short in length, and sometimes the jumping puzzles make you want to throw your controller into a wall, but it is a really great game overall that reminds us that platformers still have more innovative ideas that haven't been fully explored.
*Fallout 3 (PS3, 360, PC): FINALLY IT'S HERE AND IT'S JUST AS AMAZING AS WE'D ALL HOPED IT WOULD BE! YAAAAAAAY! Seriously, if you like RPG's and post-apocalyptic realities, this is a MUST BUY. You can re-play the hell out of this game and there are so many possibilities it's staggering.
Games that you all want me to put up here but I won't (and here's why):
*Wii Fitness (Wii): It's going to lose it's appeal fast...just you wait. There are only so many things you can do with that scale-concept. I got bored with Wii Fitness in less than a day.
*World of Warcraft (PC): Wrath of the Litch King: It's nothing "technically new" and therefore it didn't meet my criteria. Also, I am resisting addiction to this game because I know that MMO's can suck me in and eat my soul. When that new Star Wars MMO comes out (with the KOTOR Engine) I must lock myself in a room and make Darci promise she won't let me out until they are all sold out of this game for a while.
*A bunch of Hand-Held titles (DS and PSP): I don't really play hand-helds. Sorry guys. My eyes hurt after only about 30 minutes of holding a DS in my hands and I don't think the PSP is going to make it much longer in our video game market. I will admit that I really wish I could play some of the RPG titles on the DS and PSP that haven't come out on other systems.