I could talk about how ridiculously talented Alan Moore is. Or could go into detail about his social commentary as told through the graphic novel medium, or just how mind blowing his work is, as seen by Watchmen, From Hell, or anything Alan Moore has ever written ever, including his shopping list.
I could do this, but other people more insightful and articulate than I have gone over these topics already and, frankly, I don't have the attention span for that. So instead I've complied a list of absolutely, non-slanderous, completely true facts about Alan Moore that everyone should know.
1) Much like that fiddle player from Georgia, Alan Moore made a deal with the Devil for his insane amount of talent and brilliance.
2) However, unlike the redneck fiddler, Alan Moore did not participate in a graphic novel write-off with the Devil (which I think we can all agree would be awesome) for his soul. Instead he just stared at the Devil until he started to cry and slunk away. That is the power of Alan Moore's creepy.
3) Alan Moore's beard has gained sentience.
4) To keep his beard soft and luscious, Alan Moore feeds it children.
5) Alan Moore himself consists on a diet of children's dreams and tears.
6) Alan Moore has no shadow or reflection.
7) Alan Moore sucks in sunshine and happiness and radiates darkness and despair, much like a Balrog.
Notice how the other two men are sitting in perfectly normal light, while Alan Moore appears to drag his own personal darkness with him where ever he goes.
8) No mortal weapon can kill Alan Moore.
9)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHJJQ0zNNOM This is either Alan Moore's pet or his bastard lovechild with the Terminator. Either way, I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.
10) Alan Moore is a warlock.
11) Alan Moore signings are really clever ruses to obtain a new supply of innocent blood for Alan Moore to feast upon.
12) Using his aforementioned warlock powers, Alan Moore will use his magic to put a stop to the Watchmen movie.
13) Alan Moore is intrigued and disgusted by so called "human emotions."
14) Alan Moore knows when you sleep.
15) Saying his name aloud will immediately reveal your location to Alan Moore.
16) Alan Moore's voice sounds exactly like every waking nightmare you've ever had.
17) Alan Moore is weakened by laughter.
18) It is fifteen degrees colder around Alan Moore.
19) Holy water burns Alan Moore, but it does not stop him.
20) Alan Moore's beard whispers your fears to him at night.
21) Alan Moore likes hunting, but no one knows what it is that he hunts.
22)Alan Moore does not listen to music. He listens to pleas for mercy. He loves those.
23) Alan Moore does not drive. He flies through the night sky in a mortar and pestle that he won from Baba Yaga the Russian witch in a cage match.
24) When Ragnarok comes around, it is not Fenir the Great Wolf that will swallow the moon, but Alan Moore.
25) There is no escaping the Alan Moore.
And if any of you out there are thinking we're exaggerating Alan Moore's inherent creepiness, well, look at this:
If you know any facts about Alan Moore that I woefully neglected to post, feel free to tell me in the comments!