Sunday, February 01, 2009

True Facts about Alan Moore every Fangirl and Fanboy Should Know

With the Watchmen movie so close and yet tauntingly just out of reach, it seems like the perfect time to talk about Alan Moore. Now as the good little fangirls and fanboys that you are, I am sure you are very familiar with Alan Moore's work.

I could talk about how ridiculously talented Alan Moore is. Or could go into detail about his social commentary as told through the graphic novel medium, or just how mind blowing his work is, as seen by Watchmen, From Hell, or anything Alan Moore has ever written ever, including his shopping list.

I could do this, but other people more insightful and articulate than I have gone over these topics already and, frankly, I don't have the attention span for that. So instead I've complied a list of absolutely, non-slanderous, completely true facts about Alan Moore that everyone should know.

1) Much like that fiddle player from Georgia, Alan Moore made a deal with the Devil for his insane amount of talent and brilliance.

2) However, unlike the redneck fiddler, Alan Moore did not participate in a graphic novel write-off with the Devil (which I think we can all agree would be awesome) for his soul. Instead he just stared at the Devil until he started to cry and slunk away. That is the power of Alan Moore's creepy.

3) Alan Moore's beard has gained sentience.

4) To keep his beard soft and luscious, Alan Moore feeds it children.

5) Alan Moore himself consists on a diet of children's dreams and tears.

6) Alan Moore has no shadow or reflection.

7) Alan Moore sucks in sunshine and happiness and radiates darkness and despair, much like a Balrog.

Exhibit A:

Notice how the other two men are sitting in perfectly normal light, while Alan Moore appears to drag his own personal darkness with him where ever he goes.

8) No mortal weapon can kill Alan Moore.

9) This is either Alan Moore's pet or his bastard lovechild with the Terminator. Either way, I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

10) Alan Moore is a warlock.

11) Alan Moore signings are really clever ruses to obtain a new supply of innocent blood for Alan Moore to feast upon.

12) Using his aforementioned warlock powers, Alan Moore will use his magic to put a stop to the Watchmen movie.

13) Alan Moore is intrigued and disgusted by so called "human emotions."

14) Alan Moore knows when you sleep.

15) Saying his name aloud will immediately reveal your location to Alan Moore.

16) Alan Moore's voice sounds exactly like every waking nightmare you've ever had.

17) Alan Moore is weakened by laughter.

18) It is fifteen degrees colder around Alan Moore.

19) Holy water burns Alan Moore, but it does not stop him.

20) Alan Moore's beard whispers your fears to him at night.

21) Alan Moore likes hunting, but no one knows what it is that he hunts.

22)Alan Moore does not listen to music. He listens to pleas for mercy. He loves those.

23) Alan Moore does not drive. He flies through the night sky in a mortar and pestle that he won from Baba Yaga the Russian witch in a cage match.

24) When Ragnarok comes around, it is not Fenir the Great Wolf that will swallow the moon, but Alan Moore.

25) There is no escaping the Alan Moore.

And if any of you out there are thinking we're exaggerating Alan Moore's inherent creepiness, well, look at this:

Goddamn that man is creepy. Brilliant, but so, so creepy.

If you know any facts about Alan Moore that I woefully neglected to post, feel free to tell me in the comments!



Lady Lara Jones said...

Oh so hilarious.

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

I find that a spritz of lemon juice under my pillow keeps Alan Moore out of my thoughts and dreams. Also, my Watchmen movie poster sends him hissing off into the dark shadows when all else fails. Thank you, St. Jackie Earle Haley for always watching over the sanctity of my mind. And for being so gosh darn adorable and pocket sized. Amen.
(LULZ I fixed my typo. Go me)

February 2, 2009 12:37 AM

Anonymous said...

This is a 100% true Alan Moore fact...

I say this in all seriousness. Alan Moore has MET John Constantine (of Hellblazer fame) on no fewer than two occasions.

"One day, I was in Westminster in London — this was after we had introduced the character — and I was sitting in a sandwich bar. All of a sudden, up the stairs came John Constantine. He was wearing the trenchcoat, a short cut — he looked — no, he didn't even look exactly like Sting. He looked exactly like John Constantine. He looked at me, stared me straight in the eyes, smiled, nodded almost conspiratorially and then just walked off around the corner to the other part of the snack bar.

I sat there and thought, should I go around that corner and see if he is really there, or should I just eat my sandwich and leave? I opted for the latter; I thought it was the safest. I'm not making any claims to anything. I'm just saying that it happened. Strange little story."

and a second time....
"Years later, in another place, he steps out of the dark and speaks to me. He whispers: 'I'll tell you the ultimate secret of magic. Any cunt could do it.'"

Crazy, huh?

Darcy said...

I don't know whether to Lol or run screaming into the night. Then again the night is where Alan Moore is most at home, it's probably was foolish...NO WHERE IS SAFE!!!