Thursday, February 12, 2009

Zombies make everything better!

I already posted about the sudden onslaught of zombie hordes upon the world of classic my own mind.But wait! There's MORE! The people in charge of of decisions like these are already planning to make a movie about the Regency gore-tacular (Thank you dear and fluffy Lord, for creating circumstances that allow me to say the phrase Regency gore-tacular) and this piece explores 10 movies that would be greatly improved with the advent of hordes and hordes and HORDES of the undead. Read it, it's funny!
The linked article mostly explores some good movies with zombies in them, but I know there is more fun to be had in putting completly random zombie hordes in terrible movies. Awful ones, movies that until the zombies was previously unwatchable without lethal amounts of liquor being pumped by helpful friends directly into your bloodstream. And really, I find insterting zombies into most situations entertaining.

Babes in Toyland: I don't have a distinct memory of when I saw this movie, it probably fell under the liquor pumping category. Basic plot, the little girl version of Drew Barrymore hits her head and goes to place called Toyland where Keanu Reeves wants to marry the daughter of Mrs. Hubbard. A bad guy who lives in a bowling ball is trying to commit evil acts through real estate fraude, stealing Keanu's girl and SHUTTING DOWN THE COOKIE FACTORY!?(WTFBASTARD!?)
Enter zombies! They mow down the plushies-on-crack-esque denziens of Toyland including weirdly Asian Santa and the cookie hating asshole that lives in a bowling ball. Drew Barrymore is bitten (alas alack) and Keanu finds her devouring the innards of a giant toy soldier in her undead frenzy. As he prepares to dispatch her with a giant candy cane suddenly his zombified love interest pops out of the ruins of the cookie factory and tears him to shreds! I love happy endings!

Glitter: I haven't actually seen this movie, but I'm told it's the screaming infinity of awfulness. IMDB tells me it's a sorta-kinda-not-really-rising star story about Mariah Carey and i'm sure she's ultra whorey in it-moving on.
Enter zombies! the Nemesis from the second Resident Evil movie shows up moments after the credits are finished rolling and takes off Mariah Carey's head with one swipe, then slaughters merrily into the sunset (we only allow the credits to roll so that we know the names of the people to hold responsible) That's totally worth 10 bucks!

Howard the Duck: Duck tastes great! I'm almost jealous of the zombies who will kill and eat EVERYONE RESPONSIBLE for this movie! I'm looking at you George!

Battlefield Earth: Didn't see this movie either. Aliens invade the Earth...oops too late the zombies got there first! (ZOOOOMMBIEEESSS IIIIIIIIIIINN SSPPAAAAAAAACEE!!!!)

Catwoman: Halle Berry's RIDICULOUS SUPER PANDERING COSTUME (that was made of stupidity and greed woven into a fine cloth by Nicaraguan children using thier tears for thread!) is absolutly no protection against the hunger of the risen corpses of the fans of the character she murdered! MURDERED!

Batman & Robin: Zombies will have a little trouble getting through the rubber suits and some might be defeated by the giggles or spontaneous head-esploding when thier dead eyes gaze upon Bat-nipples. I however have faith that our undead heroes will carry the day. Arnold Schwarzenegger's girly screams for mercy will be one of the few things heard above my squeals of delighted laughter. The only instance I can think of that I would EVER wish harm upon the Batman.

I love comments! Leave some of your ideas for movies that would be greatly improved by the undead hordes down below!


Danicus said...

I'm just enjoying the insane movie titles i can come up with, regardless of quality of the film.

Blue Crush: Blood Red
Zombies Chasing Amy
Say Anything... but "Brains"!
They're Breakfast Club
The Muppets Taste Manhattan
10 Things I Ate About You
Ferris Bueller's Day of The Dead (not thrilled with that one, but im leaving it up)

And some movie titles dont even need altering to make zombie movies out of them, really.

Die Hard
Freaky Friday
Better Off Dead
Grosse Point Blank

Jayne said...

I've been saying for YEARS that zombies make everything better! It's true!

As for movies, I would have to say Plan 9 From Outer Space. I guess, technically, they were zombies, but they didn't do anything! They just wandered around and never once feasted on brains. Now these zombies would have a plan! They would infiltrate hte aliens space ship and eat them! Getting past that ridiculous glittery fabric may be a problem.

And The Happening needed zombies SO BADLY. The villains were PLANTS. Just as they're trying to outrun the wind like the retards they are, zombies pop out from behind the treacherous trees and eat Mark Wahlberg, thus insuring that everyone in the theater got their moneys worth.

Bartholomew Percival Osgood said...

Howard the Duck in the Marvel Zombies comics was great. He just chomped that bill down on some skulls.