Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Ten Most Useless Video Games of 2008

As someone who works at a video game retail store for a living, I feel it is appropriate to warn you all against the crap I see come in the store throughout the year....and man...this year was EPIC for terrible games.

The Nintendo DS and Wii were at the forefront of this terrible game-age (beating out the PC in recent years for most useless titles). That's right, Nintendo, I said USELESS TITLES. I may love Nintendo, and I have a special place in my heart for them alongside my unhealthy obsession with anything Zelda, but there were some serious mistakes in their release calender this year.

#10. Target Terror (Wii): Ugh. Who designed this game? They should be (to quote the love-able kitty Garfield) "Drug out in the street and shot." You're supposed to protect the US from Terrorists using your trusty Wii Zapper, but really you end up wishing you could turn the zapper on your own character and end the whole miserable experience. They're trying so hard to make games for adults on the Wii but they are just not doing a very good job for the most part (I am praying that when Mad World comes out this year they finally prove me wrong).

#9. Don King's Prize Fighter (360 and soon to be released on the Wii and DS): yeah....this game is just...bad. Bad controls. Bad Design. Bad Graphics. Bad Everything. On top of everything else, you have to look at and listen to Don King for several hours.

#8. The Bourne Conspiracy (360, PS3)....CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP. It sounds like crap, and it is. Friends don't let friends buy terrible games based on movies. I mean, you know how bad most games made about movies are, so why do you continue to support their terribleness?

#7. Wii Music (Wii): I am so sad to say that the beloved Miyamoto-San himself designed much of this game. The most over-rated and over-sold game of 2008. I tried so hard to talk customers out of buying this game but they just didn't believe me when I told them the first 30 seconds of game play are the most entertainment you will EVER get out of it unless you are three years old. It has no music theory, comes nowhere near being what Rock Band and Guitar Hero are, and it's....sooooo bad. I mean, unbelievably bad. There is even a mode where you dance around as an animal costume. What? You say you enjoy Wii Music? Have you ever seen a real musical instrument?

#6. Secret Service: Ultimate Sacrifice (360) is the crappiest, most crazy, propaganda-loaded piece of crap (which tries to be an FPS) that I have ever tried...ever. This game makes me SOOOO glad I can check games out and never had to pay for it.

#5. Butterfly Garden (PC and 360): Do you really want to raise virtual butterflies in a garden? It sounds like it could have some promise as a third-grade science class CD-Rom in the 90's but it doesn't hold up well today, AT ALL.

#4. Homie Rollerz (DS): Play as one of your ten favorite Homiez and trick out your favorite cars and....oh, who came up with this? Even if you like the concept the game itself is 100 levels of terrible. IGN gave it a rating of "terrible" and that is rare. And yes, this game is TERRIBLY RACIST.

#3. My Stop Smoking Coach (with Alan Carr)(DS): It claims that even after you stop smoking you'll want to keep playing it because there are all kinds of fun exercises to keep you from starting again. Who has the patience to train and be scolded by a hand-held video game when you're having nicotine withdrawals? (I mean really!?!?!?)

#2. Bus Simulator 2008 (PC): Um. Who wants to drive a bus while they're escaping the real world? As my friend Dan said, "Who exactly is the target audience here? What dim-witted, blockhead would garner any enjoyment out of traveling around city streets at thrilling speeds of 30 miles per hour and then stop to let people off and on at every scheduled stop? Who, I ask you, thinks this would be a fun game?"

#1. Cesar Milan's Dog Whisperer (DS, PC). It is absolutely as bad as it sounds and worse. A woman actually came in and asked me to find this game for her once and I nearly had a heart attack laughing. We used to take bets on how long this game would sit on the shelves and collect dust, and we were ALL proven wrong the day this lady came in. This game wins worst game of the year because it is just the worst idea anybody ever came up with and if they're making money off it then I am both shocked and appalled. I bet someone got fired over this.

So there you have it folks. OF course there were some pretty good games this year that I will definitely talk about in another post. I am still currently addicted to Rock Band 2 for my 360 (and have downloaded an unhealthy amount of No Doubt and Paramore off X-Box Live). Fable II, Mario Kart, and Left 4 Dead also currently grace my "now avidly playing" list.

Let me know if you can think of some stellar-terrible titles that didn't make the list of "Top Ten Most Useless Video Games of 2008."

- Lady Lara Jones -

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice - Hate Cesar Millan with a passion. Having read his book, I can imagine how retarded the game would be. No, I lie. My imagination has limits. Looking forward to the top ten list of games.