Monday, November 09, 2009

We still think we're hilarious

So y'all know I read awful things, right? And that I willingly seek them out? Instead of doing the eight-nine things that need to be written this week, I found a little gem out there on the Internet. And by "gem," I do mean, "literary horror," although it is still more readable then Twilight: Off Rack Johnny Depp in Body Glitter.

And, of course, I had to share a particular passage with my Hetero Lifemate. You, dear readers, get to see the result (her comments in italics, mine in bold).

The passage (and I swear to god this is a real thing): "'Thank you,' I mouthed. I didn't know why I was thanking him. Maybe it was for killing the hobo. Maybe it was for making me feel the most alive I've ever felt in my life. Maybe it was because he made me feel important. Needed. Wanted. Desired."


I, too, have always found the murder of a hobo to be romantic. I love how in the middle of all this sappy crap there's the casual mention of murder.

Yeah, do they mention why a hobo had to be murdered? Besides to arouse them apparently...

From what I gathered, the hobo was threatening him, so his werewolf boyfriend killed the hobo, I guess.

You KNOW. Not to sound like some HIPPY or anything but...I'm pretty sure that one look at his werewolf from would be all that was necessary to drive the hobo off.

I'm more worried that the poor idiot thinks that having his bf murder anyone that looks at him funny is proof of a healthy relationship.

While killing him [the hobo] is a permanent solution, and I'm sure some would say he provided a good service to society and all, I suppose when you're a werewolf you just kill and it's no big deal to you ever.

Lucky for him he's got an amoral sociopath for a boyfriend who finds murder to be an acceptable token of affection as a box of gas station chocolates.

Oooooh chocolates how delightful!

Hobo murder flavored chocolates!

That's an acquired taste, I think. It's got a musky aftertaste.

Musky, whiskey aftertaste.

With a hint of BO. Well, ok, more than a hint. More like a back handed pimp slap to the face.

With the subtle tang of syphilis.

And possibly lice. They're his friends! He has a name for every single one of them!

The lice will avenge him!

YEAH. WATCH OUT WEREWOLF. You goin' to be usin' that hind leg of yours a whole messa times. Hey, maybe it's not that he killed a hobo, but rather he's just gained a boyfriend AND a pet dog!

And in just a short amount of time we've improved this story and made it about a thousand times more plausible. And, no, before you ask, I have no idea what the actual plot was about beyond hobo killing and gay werewolves, but that should tell all you ever needed to know about it.

No comments: