Tuesday, March 10, 2009

AlanMooremas: Like Christmas only with a 83% higher chance of a zombie apoclaypse

I did go and see Watchmen this weekend, but I'm not going to post my thoughts on it just yet, mostly because it would turn something like "FLAILY HANDS RORSCHACH RORSCHACH'S ARMS OH DAN SERIOUSLY JEH BE MORE ADORABLE" for about five pages and I don't think any of us wants that.

I will say that I think it was very good (except for some quibbles my hardcore inner geek wouldn't shut up about), and I think this is the best possible movie adaptation you could do for Watchmen. For non-geeks, I think it will be hard to follow and figure out the point of the narrative. I made my roommate come with me to see it, and she hasn't read the graphic novel, and she had a lot of questions for me at the end. Also, let me say it's impossible to describe the original ending without using the phrase "giant vagina squid monster." Trust me, I tried.

Also, I think the opening credits parts with the images was my favorite part.

Since Darcy and Lady Lara Jones already did their AlanMooremas posts, I am ridiculously behind, especially considering Alan Moore is bitter, crazy, soul-killing candy to me. For those of you who are wondering that AlanMooremas is, I'll let Randy from Something Positive explain it to you:


"And don't forget! Today is AlanMooremas! Go see The Watchmen. Then put your ticket stub under your pillow. If you've been a good boy or girl, Alan Moore will leave copies of Top 10 under your pillow. If you've been bad, he'll pull a coin out of your ear - then fucking choke you with it. Actually, even if you've been good, he'll probably kill you because you went to see The Watchmen movie. Seriously, I'm scared of Alan Moore."

Please tell me I don't actually have to put another picture here of Alan Moore's terrifying bearded visage here. I'm beginning to fear that I've collected so many pictures of him that they they're gaining sentience and will soon take over my computer. I have got to quarantine that folder.


In honor of AlanMooremas, I've decided to do another installment of the Absolutely, Non-Slanderous, Completely True Facts About Alan Moore. Educating all of you wee fanboys and fangirls about what to expect in the inevitable Alan Moorepocalypse.


1. When he's having trouble sleeping, Alan Moore's beard makes him a cup of chamomile tea and sings lullabies to him until he falls asleep.


2. Alan Moore's beard has a lovely singing voice that to hear is like listening to angels crooning sweet nothings in your ear. Of course, this is just the beard lulling you into a false sense of security before it ATTACKS.


3. To calm down, Alan Moore goes off to hunt elk.


4. To keep him from overthrowing the government using just his old man bearded bitterness, the UK Parliament imports elks for Alan Moore to hunt in an undisclosed location in Scotland (on Google Earth, it's just a black hole that sucks in all light).

5. Alan Moore hates AlanMooremas.

6.This is what Alan Moore got married in:



I have nothing to say about this, because that outfit says it all, in a loud, rude voice that implies you have an inappropriate relationship with your mother.


7. Alan Moore's beard looks the way it does because Alan Moore lovingly uses an elk antler to brush it a thousand times every night.


8. By 2021, scientists hope to have found a way to harness Alan Moore's bitterness, thus solving the energy crisis. Although, side product of bitterness energy is that you stop loving all other living beings. Also, you spontaneously sprout a majestic, killer beard.


9. Whatever you do, don't look into Alan Moore's eyes. That's how he makes you fall in love with him, and when that happens, you are lost.


10. When all the absolutely, non-slanderous, completely true facts about have Alan Moore have been reported, that is when Alan Moore will come for us all. That wil be the end.

Come join the AlanMooremas festivities! Let everyone know moree facts about Alan Moore! After all, it is only a matter of time before he comes for us...

2 comments:

Darcy said...

Y'know I don't think you need to post a critique about Watchmen at all. "FLAILY HANDS RORSCHACH RORSCHACH'S ARMS OH DAN SERIOUSLY JEH BE MORE ADORABLE" for about five pages" says it all, really.

The loudest complaint I've been hearing from non-fans is about all the full frontal glowing blue penis. They were all guys who had NO ISSUE with Malin Ackerman flashing boob, but they all got really freaked out by the glowing blue penis. Go fig.
Also I got yelled at by a guy at work after he took his 16 and 13 year olds to see it, though I distinctly remember saying "Do NOT take your kids to see it, there is graphic violence and sex and nudity out the face!" Maybe I was accidently speaking in Bizzarro when I said that so it came out as "Take your young and impressionable children to see it as it is three hours of puppies and bunnies hugging underneath rainbows whilst Christian easy-listening plays in the background and Nancy Reagan narrates! It's AWESOME"

Danicus said...

That wedding photo makes him look like an evil, bearded version of Mr. Mxyzptlk.