Sunday, March 29, 2009

It's like they took the darkest, dirtiest parts of my soul and made a movie out of them

Dear baby zombie Jesus and Space Buddha,

I thank you for the bounty that I am about to receive. I promise that I will use this gift and make both you and MST3K proud.


For those of you wondering just what the hell I am so giddy about that has nothing to do with Alan My Beard Has Your Scent Now Moore, I present to you Boogie Town.

Let me assure you that you have not sunk into a Lovecraftian level of madness, and that really is a science-fiction dance-off based retelling of the West Side Story movie actually titled Boogie Town.

I am excited about this movie because I am a hateful, spiteful person. Oh god, everything about this trailer is just magnificent. One of my favorite bits include how they're billing this as a love story, and after about ten seconds of a guy making out with some random chick, the rest of the trailer features the two male characters staring intensely at each other in various rooms in varying levels of closeted homosexuality. Random girl is totally a beard.

Also, battle dancing. So in this ill-defined, science-fiction future of Asian mob families, the only way to survive the vicious, merciless gang wars rests solely on your ability to perform the robot faster and better than your opponent. That and your ability to wear sunglasses with Cylon-esqu red flashing light that in no way makes you look goddamn stupid and/or a giant tool.

So in battle dancing I guess you harness your chi/charkra/whatever term they've decided to appropriate for this movie and are able to propel yourself into mighty leaps of about four feet or knock some fluorescent lights from the ceiling. Obviously, this is a grave problem facing our future's children.

This movie is going to be epically bad, and is the sort of thing that I live for. We all know how much I love to mock things, and the only way for this to be more perfect is if Alan Moore decided to do a series of crazy, bitter interviews about this movie. If that were to happen, I think we can all agree that zombie Jesus exists and he just wants me to be happy.

I don't know about you, guys, but I am may have to see this movie when it ends up going to the dollar theater, because it'll be worth if just for the mocking value alone. And, hey, it's either Boogie Town or Hannah Montana the Movie.


Darcy said...

Firstly...the henchmen in the blue that Rufio!?

Second, the qoute "Anyone caught Battle Dancing will be arrested and sent to jail." The man who said that line with a straight face needs an Oscar. NOW.

Third, I'm currently writing a letter to the people responsible for this movie's existence demanding reparation for the large chunk of my soul that shriveled and died after having veiwed that trailer. Reparation in the form thier heads on a plate.


Rorschach said...

The world will look up and shout, "SHAKE DEM HIPS!", and I'll look down and whisper, "those hips don't lie..."