Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Jayne reacts to the Heroes season finale with caps lock and profanity. So the usual.

Dear Heroes,

We used to be so good together. Remember the first season and how happy we were? Sure, your dialogue sometimes made me cringe, but you gave me Hiro and Matt and Mohinder, who is the dumbest scientist alive but is very, very pretty. I can be shallow like that.

And then we had to take a break over the summer, but I knew you would be back and we would be together again. And then season 2 happened, and you changed. At first I thought it was me, that I did something wrong, so I tried to be good so we could be happy together.

But it wasn't me. It was you, with your goddamn wondertwin and the creepy stalker Wes and the whole Hiro in ancient Japan because you were just that cruel. But you said you realized your mistakes and we could be together again. I just had to wait for season 3.

So I waited and when volume 3 started I realized your pants were on fire, you big, fat liar. Season 3 brought more fridging of women, the goddamn tarted up wondertwin, Mohinder being painfully stupid, Peter's power apparently changed to whining and being useless, zombie Papa Petrelli, and absolutely everything to do with Sylar.

And then volume 4 started, and I thought maybe you were getting better. Sure, Sylar was still sticking around with his daddy issues, but at least this volume seemed to have a plot and the characterization wasn't being changed every other minute. And Bryan Fuller returned with Cold Snap, and brought back Micah and for a moment I was happy. And then you had to smack it out of me because apparently you can't change.

And I think I pushed that metaphor far enough. You all get the idea.

Volume 4 was leaps and bounds better than the FUBAR messes that were volumes 2 and 3. The goddamn wondertwin is gone, Ando is looking really pretty, Peter has stopped being blindingly stupid and is back to badass, Mohinder isn't making me wish to reach through the screen to choke the dumb out of him, and Daphne was awesome before she got killed.

Bryan Fuller brought back Micah as Rebel, which was awesome and I totally called it. Of course, I liked to think before this that Micah and Monica were off having adventures and Monica was all ninja awesome, but I'll take what I can get. Also, the actor playing Micah has some chops because he pulled off a very believable creepy Sylar smirk. Go you, kid, with acting and hitting puberty!

Of course there was Sylar. Oh god, Sylar with his unbearable daddy issues and awful uneven writing and his gay fascination with Danko, and god, Sylar, just blow him already and shut the hell up. And then with his new shape shifting powers Sylar went all Norman Bates crazy. Sure, why the hell not? Last volume he was bad, good, bad, confused, Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues, good, and then bad again, so why not makes him crazy? He's been everything else. Hey, writers, pick one damn characterization and stick with it! Also, Sylar is not as interesting as you think he is.

Zachery Quinto, darling, you are a marvelous actor, you are, but for the love of god get out of this show already because you are way better than this.

The finale had some high points, like Peter being pretty badass as Worfbama and taking down Sylar. Noah is badass like usual, Christina Rose as Angela can act the hell out of any scene, and Ando and Hiro were adorable, so that's all good.

But then there was everything to do with Sylar. He was controlling Claire how? He's never used his telekinesis this specifically before. That looked like Doyle's puppet powers, but Sylar didn't take those. He just tied him up in ribbons and left him for his new boyfriend Danko to find. But, really, with the what-the-fuckery coming up this is just nit picky.

Sylar continued to be creepy with Claire, and monologue about how his real father is dying AND WE GET IT SHOW HE HAS DADDY ISSUES CAN WE MOVE ALONG JESUS. Peter and Nathan show up and they fight off screen and then Sylar slits Nathan's throat, killing him.

Fine, fine, Claire's magic Jesus blood will bring him back to life, moving along. OH WAIT THE SHOW IS RETARDED AND DOESN'T REMEMBER THAT. That's right, Matt has to mind whammy Slyar into thinking he's Nathan for some reason I honestly don't care about because at that point I was yelling at the television.

Even Noah is all for the Sylar as Nathan thing because he suffered amnesia and forgot he got SHOT IN THE FUCKING EYE and Claire's blood healed him.

Look, Heroes, I know you want to pretend volume 2 never happened, and I'm mostly with you, but the magic Jesus blood thing was a major plot point since Noah isn't dead. For fuck's sake, Nathan has a slit throat, not a BULLET IN THE BRAIN. A pint of Claire's blood and he'll be up and being an indecisive douchebag in no time.

Of course, that would assume this show has any grasp of continuity and god forbid that happens. I really wish I could say I was done with this show, but we all know that would be a lie. Curse my sense of morbid curiosity.

Well, come on, Heroes, bring on season 4. I am ready with my bitter snark and my bricks. Let's do this.


Darcy said...

An argument could be made that he was left dead too long, and arguably lost a lot more blood than Noah did before he was hooked up to the Jesus drip.

Still they coulda at least mentioned it as an idea and then passed on it for whatever reason instead if just ignoring it.

Also, hurting Hiro IS NOT OK, SHOW. AT ALL. DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

Bob Andelman said...

Check out this interview with Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar in which they discuss the finale and their "special" relationship: http://bit.ly/iZfvy.